A jaded young woman living in a feudal alternate America plots revenge against the duke who killed her father while working as his daughter’s maid.

    Penpusher Posted on June 3, 2019 in Drama.
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      “After her father is murdered by the Duke, a jaded woman living in a feudal alternate America becomes a maid in the murderous Aristocrat’s castle in order to get her revenge.”

      Singularity Answered on June 3, 2019.

      Thank you for your feedback! I’m still pretty new to writing loglines, so is there a technical reason to open with her father murdered by the duke? It’s not the true inciting incident, since it happened when the main character was a child. The true inciting incident is her taking the job in his household, but I’m not sure if I have to state that outright, since I mention her job in the last sentence.

      on June 4, 2019.
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        Don’t worry – it’s amazing what you can refine about your story with just the logline and hence why we all do this. 🙂

        If the inciting incident happened say 10 years ago,why is she taking the job now? That sounds like motivation not an inciting incident. What has happened right now for her to decide to take the job? Was she of age? Has the system got worse? Did they offer the job to anyone in the village for the first time so it was the first opportunity? She was homeless and no where else to go? The Duke took a liking to her and offered her the job etc Hope that helps understand inciting incident vs motivation.  Why is she taking the job and seeking revenge today? What changed?

        I also think jaded is probably a little subtle for someone who’s had a father murdered and lives in feudal system? Jaded people aren’t motivated to do something – unless an inciting incident. Maybe she’s bitter, or maybe she’s a village leader, or an outlaw – give her something to work with – something unique that adds to the contrast between her current existence and what she’s about to do.

        Also murderous Aristocrat is not adding anything. What if he was cruel, sadistic, tyrannical. Maybe he’s charming, cunning, greedy. Give him something –  -something unusual – maybe he’s seen as generous, maybe he’s a great leader? we already know he murdered someone so that description is unnecessary.

        Hope that helps.

        Logliner Answered on June 8, 2019.
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