A Lieutenant in a drug gang, misreads a situation killing his boss. This sparks an internal war eventually leading to the destruction of his gang, his death and the loss of their terroritary.

    Singularity Posted on April 24, 2020 in Crime.
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    10 Review(s)

      Thanks for the clarification about “Game of Thrones”: I know you have a lead character in your logline, but I am not seeing his goal. As a result, I am doing an attempt without a lead character.

      “When a mob Kingpin is killed, his five most powerful lieutenants vie for power in a deadly struggle for money and influence.”

      Singularity Answered on April 24, 2020.

      He kills his boss, because he thinks that is what the big boss wants (from another city).  This causes a power vacum which he tries to fill.  This starts an internal war in the gang along factional lines.

      He is eventually killed just a few hours before he is scheduled to meet with the big boss.

      The entire story takes place in 24 hours.  Basically is a drug fuel rampage.

      It is a bit like a war film. No real goal. Survive until the big boss comes back and tells everyone he is the new boss. Until then it is a free for all.

      on April 24, 2020.
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        ADDITIONAL NOTES: No one to really like. Think the cocaine version of game of thrones.  Thanks in advance.

        Singularity Answered on April 24, 2020.
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          I like Richiev’s version!

          Other than that: this story seems pretty fun. I would just prefer a clearer concept of your logline with a main character, a goal and the antagonist in it.

           

          Mentor Answered on April 24, 2020.

          The goal is stay alive. When a tyrant die (the old boss), anarchy follows.

          The script will be availble soon at scriptrevolution. The title is “DRUG KING”.

          on April 24, 2020.
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            In one night a lieutenant in a drug gang  kills his boss,  seizes control, kills  people wanting the job or revenge and gets killed destroying the gang he tried to control.

            Singularity Answered on April 25, 2020.

            It reads like a shopping list. But the story is a frantic series of events that just worse and worse.

            on April 25, 2020.
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              You’re telling us the main character gets killed, his gang gets destroyed, and they lose their territory. Surely, that’s giving away the ending? I don’t need to read the script because I know what happens.

              I don’t think you can say he kills his boss when actually there is a bigger boss who can just take over. He doesn’t misread a situation either, based on your comments. He is ordered to do it by the big boss. Yeah, there may be some miscommunication but as far as the protagonist goes, that was his orders. It seems there is a character who is essential to the logline and is simply not there as it currently stands.  I think it would be better if the MC kills the boss on the big boss’s orders and has to maintain order until the big boss comes to sort them out. Otherwise, the big inciting incident is almost accidental, and I think that’s a pretty weak inciting incident for this kinda story. It makes the MC seem weak.

              You’ve said the protagonist is scheduled to meet with the big boss. Why not tell us that in the logline? That’s the ticking clock and gives us a timeline so we know the hero has to maintain order for 24 hours. You’re not telling us the hero is getting rescued in 24 hours.. this is crucial otherwise what’s the point? You’ve said in a comment, his goal is to survive but without the ticking clock, we have no idea how long for. This sounds like a crime/action/thriller to me. A thriller NEEDS a ticking clock.

              What’s the big boss actually going to do though? There’s chaos and anarchy within his ranks… how’s one guy, however powerful, going to sort that out? This is a secondary point but if the result of the boss’s killing is too catastrophic then the audience won’t believe that one man will sort it out. At that point, chances are they’ll just stop caring. This relates to the point above about the ticking clock. We HAVE to believe the protagonist will make it out of this in one piece. That everything he’s doing is for a reason.

              What’s the hero’s character flaw? What makes him interesting?

              I’m guessing this is the logline for marketing the project? As it is, I’m not really hooked into it. That’s mostly because you’ve given away the ending. I think it could be stronger. Richiev’s is more interesting but, as he said, lacks a main character. Personally, I avoid full stops in a logline. As mrliteral constantly says on here, and I think he’s got a good point, even a comma breaks up the flow of a logline. To me, a full stop just kills it dead. Even if you did leave it almost exactly as is, you could very easily change it to “kills his boss sparking an internal war…”

              I think saying “the cocaine version of Game of Thrones” isn’t coming through for me. Both are about chaos, I’ll admit, but yours looks at how chaos affects one person specifically. It’d be like Game of Thrones being exclusively told from Cersei’s POV. Richiev’s version is more GOT.

              I think my main point is don’t give away the ending. I stopped caring after that.

              Hope this helps.

              Singularity Answered on April 26, 2020.

              Thanks.

              I don’t subscribe to the “don’t give away the ending”. I find that to be a myth. I think of a producer reading 100 loglines. If he knows the complete story and that is the type he wants, job done. If not I am not wasting her time sending her something she isn’t interested in. Trying to be tricky with intrigue is far more marketing. Plus I would give anyone $1000 to anyone tell me my story goes. So someone wanting to make a film may read the script to see who I achieve the ending. We all saw the Lord of the Rings…. We knew how it was going to end.

              If we stick with GOT, Mother of Dragons died. This is his arc ( in some way). Starts out doing what he thinks is the right thing. By the end it is a blood bath beyond his control.

              He (D) thought the big boss was giving him the nod to take over. The big boss doesn’t get involved in day to day. He would see the internal war as “get your shit in order”. Plus once he makes good with the big boss, others will see that it would be “unwise” to move against “D”.

              Again, Thanks

              on April 27, 2020.

              PS. It does help.

              I don’t think I am clear enough about the dynamic. I’ll mull it over.

              on April 27, 2020.
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                INTENTION: must battle other gang members/must survive. I think his objective/intention – should be more specific. 

                OBSTACLE: battle other gang members for supremacy. I think this works. Feels a bit vague though.

                The inciting incident works. Aristotle said tragedy/great drama works when triggered by “a great human error” or “error in reason”. Also – you could say killing his boss is a “tragic deed” and certainly could be made more primal. Perhaps he could be his mentor? Best friend? Father?

                These are just playing around with the idea… 

                1. After he kills his mob boss, his lieutenant must battle other gang members for supremacy. 

                2. After he unintentionally kills his mentor, a mob enforcer must battle other gang members who vie for supremacy.

                3. After he kills his boss to save his own neck, a mob enforcer must battle other gang members who vie for supremacy.

                Could do “vying for supremacy” instead – saves words. Not sure if it’s the right word though.

                I really wanted to add “- at any cost” but I think that’s innate, right?

                Lastly – I think you could push in on this guy’s dilemma…

                In order to save his pregnant wife, a mob enforcer slays his mentor and boss – but must then deal with the underlings – who each want power, at any cost.

                (That was quiet rushed btw. However – the pregnant wife means we have stakes.)

                Anyways – good luck. Hope some of this helps.

                Mentor Answered on April 29, 2020.

                Thanks

                I am going to post another attempt. The guy is not a nice person. The wife makes out he is a nice person. He isn’t none of them really are.

                Bad people are far more interesting. No one is willing to admit it. Everyone loves a villain.

                Happy endings are for Pixar. Not drug dealers that murder as commerce.

                on April 30, 2020.

                My apologies. Just found this. See review below.

                on May 9, 2020.
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                  After killing his drug boss in a coup, lieutenant continues killing to secure his new position, but members loyal to the old boss will not go down without a fight.

                  Singularity Answered on April 30, 2020.
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                    Have you considered changing the concept slightly? What if another lieutenant kills the boss, and he stands to take the blame. This way, his vie for power could become a means of survival rather than a murderous rampage for the sake of it.

                    Singularity Answered on May 2, 2020.

                    Then he would be a victim of circumstance. In the current version is he reaping what he sowed. He didn’t need much prompting to betray his boss and that is being repaid by more and more struggle and death.

                    There is a “good guy” loyal to the old boss. As Dom the protagonist keeps his initial actions secret. Nick the good guys is killed to bring a sense of tragedy and concrete Dom as being bad.

                    Thanks for the thought.

                    on May 2, 2020.
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                      Yep – bad people are far, far more interesting.

                      However – my best advice here is to make sure we have some empathy for this guy at the start/first 10 minutes.

                      I mean… Tony Soprano – loved his family, right? Don Corleone too. Joker was bullied.

                      You know what I’m saying. We probably won’t stick around if he’s an out and out horrible person. We should at least understand why he’s an asshole – at least in the first 10.

                      Also – goes against Aristotle. A depraved horrible person who reaches a terrible end/undeserved misfortune. Basically – no one will care.

                      However – if it’s an intermediate hero with bad and good qualities who meets tragic end/undeserved misfortune. We’ll care. And it’ll hurt. And we’ll feel something. (I honestly reckon Don Corleone and Joker fit the bill here.)

                      This advice is more geared towards the read I think.

                      If you were a PT Anderson/Tarantino/already in the industry – you could probably get away with making him an out and out villain. Not as easy when you’re trying to get that script read.

                      Anyways – good luck!

                      Mentor Answered on May 9, 2020.

                      Thanks. I believe people have to be relatable not likeable. If I can look at someone and say “I understand why he did that”, it is far more compelling that “he is a nice guy”.

                      My first film to sell was two bent cops beating a confession out of a drug dealer that had killed their friend.  Very little to like.  The audience is off balance the entire film.

                      The second had nice people, I wrote that 5 years ago. It follows the “have a likeable person” theory, it is not as good, I think it suffers for it.  I made one of the characters horrible and the nice person finally has to kill to learn how to survive. It is no getting made in the UK.

                      I think parasite is a great example.  People aren’t knife welding killer (that is a joke), but there are no nice people.  Everyone is judgemental or willing to lie to get what they want.

                      The writers you mentioned prove that stories can be written in that way, other wise there would have no examples.  The other truth, they were who they are from the first word they wrote.  They suddenly didn’t get permission to write that way from some high ranking organisation.  You must be true to yourself.

                      I acknowledge that it is difficult to see how bad people can be made compelling. You hate them and want to see them dead.  In that situation, you are waiting to see how it happens, you are praying the universe gets revenge for you.

                      I really appreciate all the comments and help people have been giving me.  The story is as firm as concrete, it is perhaps one of the best things I have written.  The budget will be bigger than I have written previous.  I have my 70 dot points (my planning process) and I am on page 30 of a restructure.

                      I am trying to get a handle on how to weave such a complex story with multiple threads. I may have to retreat to the theme.

                      Again thank you everyone.

                      on May 9, 2020.
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                        After killing his boss, driven by his girlfriend and a misunderstanding, a drug dealer embarks on a bloody coup, ambition isn’t enough resulting in his death and the destruction of the gang he aimed to control.

                         

                        Going back through the script. He is stuck in a bubble. He can’t see the bigger picture. He was unsure if he should do what he thought he was told to do.  Driven by his girlfriend (in it for free drugs and ambition), he does kill his boss. But the gang goes into free fall as he doesn’t know how to step up.  As the gang begins to implode he sees an opportunity to take control but a few people stand in his way.

                        From the likability situation. Think of it like a slasher film. Everyone know Freddie, Jason, Jigsaw.  We have empathy for their victims.  After all there is a series called the “walking dead” not “people trying to survive other people and avoid zombies”.

                        Thanks again.

                        Singularity Answered on May 9, 2020.
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