A man makes numerous phone calls trying to negotiate his own safety while travelling to his gangster boss to confess his failure, finally having to settle for saving his family from revenge.
CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
A man makes numerous phone calls trying to negotiate his own safety while travelling to his gangster boss to confess his failure, finally having to settle for saving his family from revenge.
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CraigDGriffiths
Hi All,
Interested in your questions and rewrite suggestions.? I am planning on shooting this late this year.? It is a single person story.? He knows he will not be able to outrun his fate.? He set up a drug deal involving an undercover cop (who he had vouched for).? He is travelling to see his boss, all the time making calls and trying to wheel and deal his way out of it.? Finally the best he can hope for is that his boss will not take out his entire family as pay back.
I am attempting to have the audience feel conflicted.? A bad guy, meeting a bad end, but the audience feels bad for him.
Richiev
There are a couple things you could do to improve this logline
1: You say ‘a man’ but that only cuts down the possibilities from 8 billion to about 4 billion. Is there a personality trait you could give him so we have more information. Adding this will help your logline.
2: You say ‘confess his failure’ but don’t tell us what that failure is. Did he fail to kill a guy? Did he fail a drug exchange for money? Did he fail to return his bosses cable boxes after his boss switched TV providers?
3: Finally, if you have leeway?to do a?rewrite of the script. I would make it so the mob boss already has his family. (However, if that is not possible that’s cool)
Anyway, I like the concept, this seems like a good movie short that could be done on a shoestring budget.
Mike Pedley
Have you seen Locke? A great film with Tom Hardy. The whole film takes place in one car, on one journey, told through phone conversations he has on the road. Your idea made me think of this.
kailic
After failing his mission, a criminal tries to negotiate his own safety while traveling to confront his gangster boss, and ultimately rescue his family.
Admittedly my longline isn’t the greatest, but I think you need to to re-word this so it streamlines it.
The protagonist needs a descriptor other then “a man”. Who is he? Did he fail his mission because he’s having a crisis of conscience? Or is he simply a gangster that failed? What’s redeeming about this man/gangster that makes us want to root for him?
Why does he need to confess his failure? ?His boss would already have gotten word that he failed his mission, no? ?I think it’s better if the boss knows so the whole script they’re at odds, and he’s FORCED to go confront his boss because his family’s lives are at stake, and he can’t simply disappear or walk away.
No one would “settle” for saving their family from revenge. That should be the driving action that makes him step up. ?People may be criminals, but the love of family if the strongest motivator of all.
dpg
>>>negotiate his own safety
More to the point, the stakes are his life and that of his family.? From the FADE IN, isn’t that’s what he’s fighting/negotiating for?
CraigDGriffiths
Being responsible for bringing an undercover cop into their organisation a gangster travels to see his boss while making a series of calls trying to rescue the situation finally settling on just being able to save his family.
dpg
Would benefit from a ticking clock.? He has X hours to do whatever.
Lucius Paisley
I see a little Midnight Run type opportunity here.