A man makes numerous phone calls trying to negotiate his own safety while travelling to his gangster boss to confess his failure, finally having to settle for saving his family from revenge.
Interested in your questions and rewrite suggestions. I am planning on shooting this late this year. It is a single person story. He knows he will not be able to outrun his fate. He set up a drug deal involving an undercover cop (who he had vouched for). He is travelling to see his boss, all the time making calls and trying to wheel and deal his way out of it. Finally the best he can hope for is that his boss will not take out his entire family as pay back.
I am attempting to have the audience feel conflicted. A bad guy, meeting a bad end, but the audience feels bad for him.
There are a couple things you could do to improve this logline
1: You say ‘a man’ but that only cuts down the possibilities from 8 billion to about 4 billion. Is there a personality trait you could give him so we have more information. Adding this will help your logline.
2: You say ‘confess his failure’ but don’t tell us what that failure is. Did he fail to kill a guy? Did he fail a drug exchange for money? Did he fail to return his bosses cable boxes after his boss switched TV providers?
3: Finally, if you have leeway to do a rewrite of the script. I would make it so the mob boss already has his family. (However, if that is not possible that’s cool)
Anyway, I like the concept, this seems like a good movie short that could be done on a shoestring budget.
After failing his mission, a criminal tries to negotiate his own safety while traveling to confront his gangster boss, and ultimately rescue his family.
Admittedly my longline isn’t the greatest, but I think you need to to re-word this so it streamlines it.
The protagonist needs a descriptor other then “a man”. Who is he? Did he fail his mission because he’s having a crisis of conscience? Or is he simply a gangster that failed? What’s redeeming about this man/gangster that makes us want to root for him?
Why does he need to confess his failure? His boss would already have gotten word that he failed his mission, no? I think it’s better if the boss knows so the whole script they’re at odds, and he’s FORCED to go confront his boss because his family’s lives are at stake, and he can’t simply disappear or walk away.
No one would “settle” for saving their family from revenge. That should be the driving action that makes him step up. People may be criminals, but the love of family if the strongest motivator of all.