Uberwriter
Posted: 2020-01-28T13:27:02+10:00 In:

A man with multiple personality disorder is being held captive by a murderous cult or his own personalities. He must rescue a girl who may or may not exist and escape.

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    14 Reviews

    1. Best Answer
      Samurai

      Hi Craig,

      I like your premise – the sense of not knowing what is real can be extremely intriguing and nightmarish if done correctly. ?I’m confused by your logline though – here are my thoughts:

      • Why does he have to rescue the girl – what is at stake?
      • Is the girl the goal, or his freedom, or both?
      • I would probably go with ‘held captive by a murderous cult’ – the fact that this may be his own personality is a twist of the story?
      • Why haven’t the cult murdered him?

      I think writing down a little bit about your story may help us see what story you’re aiming to convey.

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    2. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Thanks. I like finding out what people feel.

      If I remove the twist the logline becomes a bit boring. Plus the twist is nearly always the most important parts.

      ?Luke I am your father?.

      A man must escape a murderous cult. A bit boring.

      The girl is discovered while he is trying to escape. He just can?t leave her.

      She isn?t his first goal, but becomes important.

      I?ll think of a new version and post it.

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    3. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Agree with Trix.

      Should it read “mysterious cult OF his own personalities”?

      So one of his personalities is being held captive in his mind – I kinda like this idea. Similar(ish) premise to Identity. Goal of escaping is good, makes sense BUT since all of this is happening inside the character’s mind, I want to know what this represents in the real world. If he escapes, does that mean his true personality carries on existing in the real world? If he perishes, what does that mean in the real world? There are no stakes yet. I need to understand that to understand why I care, especially when you’ve made it clear that this is all in a character’s head.

      The girl… what does she represent? She’s another personality? Given that we know he’s being held captive by his own personalities, surely saying “may or may not exist” is redundant. She can’t exist because it’s all happening inside this guy’s head.

      My suggestion, make it so the main personality is free but discovers a girl is being held captive and he then must go and rescue her putting himself at risk. Give us a reason why. It’s his sister or something. And, as Trix suggested, don’t tell us this is all in his head. That’s the twist and wouldn’t happen until the end of Act II probably.

      Whilst the twist might be the most interesting part, a logline for The Empire Strikes Back would NEVER reveal that Vader was Luke’s father. One for 6th Sense would NEVER reveal that Bruce Willis was dead all along. I could go on. The twist and the hook are completely separate. If you think it’s a little boring without that, try and spice it up so the twist is still a secret.

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    4. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Thanks Mike. You are correct I have forgotten to give you the setting. He only discovers he has multiple personalities at the very end of the story. He believe everything is real (but the viewer is unsure).

      Of course the first George would have said to the producers was ?Darth Vader is Luke?s father?. The producers would lose their minds. Then George would explain how it happens.

      The ?sell ?don?t tell?saying ?is about how you write, not what you write. Don?t write a shopping list, use skill and interesting writing.

       

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    5. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Second attempt:

      A man with multiple personalities is held captive in an abandoned farm by a murderous cult or his own personalities. While escaping he finds a girl, who may or may not exist. They must escape before they are killed.

      ?

      During the story we find out that he believes he has some disorder, he loses huge blocks of time. He is unaware of the other personalities.

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    6. Best Answer
      Logliner

      Hi Craig!

      First of all, I LOVE your premise. That can be the hardest part of the writing process, so kudos for getting that out of the way.

      After reading your revised logline, the first thing that popped in my head was that it is too long. Generally, you should try to limit your logline to one sentence, unless it’s absolutely necessary to use two, but that should be the exception and not the rule.

      Also, I would give the, “Man,” and, “Girl,” other labels. They sound generic. This leads me to my next point…

      Irony!

      Creating irony in your logline can give the reader a sense of the conflict within the story. For instance, if you made the Man a preacher or some Bible-thumpin’ Christian extremist whose views would greatly contrast with that of the cult’s, then the reader can imagine the conflict between the two and may increase your chances of your script getting read. Plus, I’ve never seen a preacher with multiple personalities before!

      Overall, you’re off to a strong start! And this is just some passing advice, take from it what you will.

      Good luck! 🙂

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    7. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Thanks everyone,

      Do we have any logline rewrite suggestions?

      So a bit more of the story.

      The guys is actually a newly create personality. ?The ?other personalities is trying to drive him to commit suicide. There is a dominant personality which is also a serial killer. ?The dominant personality always takes control when he can sense something, hence the new personality.

      The girl does not exist. She is a voice from the basement he is trying to help escape once he hears her. ? She is used in the story to give him an insight into how the victims were feeling.

      Finally he learns the truth and kills himself.

      It looks at the question ?is a person responsible for actions they are aware? ?would you die to save others?

      So I have a story.

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    8. Best Answer
      Singularity

      Haven’t read the other comments, so this may be a repeat.

      The premise is confusing. Who is holding him captive? The other personalities inside his mind or actual people who are members of a cult?

      Also, what is the primary goal, to escape himself or save the girl? These will need to separate inciting events. If he needs to escape then the inciting event is being captured by the cult. However, if he needs to save the girl, the inciting event would be the girl getting captured by a cult.

       

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    9. Best Answer
      Singularity

      I am writing this as if the reader doesn’t know at the beginning of the script, that it all might be in his head:

      —————————

      “When he’s kidnapped from a mental institution by a deranged cult, a man suffering from psychosis must help himself and a fellow prisoner escape, all while figuring out, reality from Hallucination.”

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    10. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      Thanks Rich, but that is a completely different film. That is really quite straight forward. We are watching him struggle with reality. This story has the audience question what they are seeing as well.

      The ?is he or isn?t he? feeling.

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    11. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>>We never see anyone on screen except the protagonist.

      Ahhh… it makes a little more sense to me now! That’s really difficult to put in a logline then! I think the logline potentially needs to be worded in such a way so it’s obvious that he’s the only person we see on screen. I’ve always assumed that there will be multiple characters, the girl especially. Particularly since you said “The girl is discovered while he is trying to escape. He just can?t leave her.” and “While escaping he finds a girl”. That suggests we see her on screen.

      My assumption is, by saying “mysterious cult or his own personalities” and “may or may not exist”, it suggests that the protagonist is trying to figure out between these two options. Whereas, actually, based on previous stuff you’ve said he believes he’s being held captive and we don’t discover it’s by his own personalities until the end. Describing him as a someone with multiple personality disorder gives away the ending in my head.

      So with this in mind, how about:

      When he wakes up in a cell to the sounds of a girl being tortured, a resourceful amnesiac must?rescue her and?escape while piecing together the clues and his flashbacks to uncover the disturbing truth about his captors.?

      If he hears the girl at the MPR, then:

      When he wakes up in a cell, a resourceful amnesiac must find a way to escape, but when he hears a girl being tortured he must find and rescue her as he pieces together the clues and his flashbacks to uncover the disturbing truth about his captors.

      Does this help at all? Is it any closer?

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    12. Best Answer
      Singularity

      >>>That is really quite straight forward.

      To you, the author.? But from the discussion thread, it seems that it is not “quite straight forward ” to others.

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    13. Best Answer
      Uberwriter

      A man with multiple personality disorder wakes from a blackout and learns he and a girl he can hear in an adjoining room are being held by people hiding from view who plan to kill them.

      I am resisting put the obvious ?they must escape before this happens?. I think that goes without saying.

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    14. Best Answer
      Logliner
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