A mysterious briefcase goes from hand to hand. Although everyone claims to be the owner, no one can open it. Until the day a commissioner forces the lock and discovers what’s inside …

moMouhamed Penpusher Asked on December 30, 2018 in SciFi.
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3 Review(s)

I suggest reading through the formula tab at the top of the page, and the feedback other members receive to better understand the elements and format of a logline.

On the logline: “A mysterious briefcase goes from hand to hand. Although everyone claims to be the owner, no one can open it. Until the day a commissioner forces the lock and discovers what’s inside …”(33 words)

Most of this is background. The first two sentences should be condensed into fewer words, or eliminated from the logline if the information is not necessary. The last sentence is what appears to be the inciting incident, and it also provides the protagonist. But it still leaves a question: commissioner of what?
Also, what becomes his/her goal because of this? The logline is labeled sci-fi, yet it describes nothing particularly sci-fi-y.

Dkpough1 Summitry Reviewed on December 31, 2018.
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Why would anyone even care? What is mysterious about a briefcase?
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“When a briefcase thought to contain the coordinates to Al Capone’s secret treasure is discovered by a construction worker, It captures the attention of every mob boss, cat burglar, and hitman, all of whom are determined to get it for themselves.”

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on December 31, 2018.
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No clear protagonist, no antagonist, no conflict, no stakes…just a mystery. A mystery is not a story, and a briefcase with unknown contents is a cliché. We need a character to support with a proper motivation, and a reason to follow the story.

A retiring police commissioner must find the rightful owner of a mysterious package which everyone he meets is willing to kill to possess.

Kinda sloppy but the ideas are there; work with it and find the elements that make it compelling.

mrliteral Samurai Reviewed on January 2, 2019.
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