A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour – and set out to prove it.

    Mentor Posted on November 14, 2019 in Horror.
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    8 Review(s)

      INTENTION: Trying to start again. A fresh slate.

      OBSTACLE: Their criminal pasts. Surrounded by cops.

      (I suppose they could technically move again. But I think it’s about redemption – they want to do the right thing this time. They don’t want to keep moving.)

      Mentor Answered on November 14, 2019.
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        Carved down…

        A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but begin to suspect their cop neighbour is a serial killer.

        I made the cop a serial killer to make it more intense.

        Chopped off “newlywed”.

        Why a cop neighbourhood? Perhaps they’re running from something. Perhaps they need to feel protected? I kept thinking the guy had Irish mob connections and the girl was a former drug mule. Both have a stained history and just want to get on with their lives.

        Perhaps they have a kid on the way?

        NOTE: The original one I put up was this…

        A newlywed couple, both with criminal pasts, try to start again, and move to a cop neighbourhood, but begin to suspect their cop neighbour is kidnapping children.

        I since used the one above.

        Mentor Answered on November 14, 2019.
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          So what are the couple going to do about it? They need a goal after they’ve discovered the truth about their neighbour. It’s good that he’s a cop – it somewhat limits the “why don’t they just go to the police” argument.

          Is there such a thing as a “cop neighbourhood”? Do cops all live in the same place? Why not just a “safe neighbourhood”?

          The inciting incident is the discovery about the neighbourhood so I would rewrite it focusing on this event and the goal it sets up.

          Summitry Answered on November 14, 2019.
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            I wanted this set in Boston ha.

            Well it’s certainly possible – you get cop families that are close to each other. The same way criminals tend to live near each other.

            I suppose you’re right about the goal. (Though my macro intention/want/need: is to start again. There’s resistance to doing anything at first. They don’t want to get involved.)

            But yeah…

            I’ll try out a more ACTIVE intention.

             

            Mentor Answered on November 14, 2019.
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              Okay how about this…

              A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but suspecting their cop neighbour is a serial killer, set out to prove it.

              You’re right about making them more ACTIVE.

              I mean James Stewart and Grace Kelly were actively doing something about it in REAR WINDOW.

              Also – not a fan of the alliteration with mentioning “cop” so many times.

              Mentor Answered on November 14, 2019.
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                Okay. I chopped of the other “cop”. We don’t need two.

                I’m keeping the “trying to start again” as opposed to “start again” – for now anyways.

                 

                Mentor Answered on November 14, 2019.
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                  Changed…

                  A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour – and set out to prove it.

                  I added a more solid inciting incident.

                  Mentor Answered on November 15, 2019.

                  I don’t like the over-reliance on so many “starts”.

                  on November 15, 2019.
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                    A couple with a criminal past, try to start again in a cop neighbourhood, but when children start going missing, they suspect their neighbour – and set out to prove it. 

                    I think what’s missing here might be the goal isn’t strong enough.

                    Perhaps if their kid went missing instead?

                    I mean I think it’s fine but not exactly “wow”.

                    I considered putting “reputable” in front of neighbour – but I want to keep it lean.

                    Mentor Answered on November 15, 2019.
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