A recovering corneal transplant patient returns home only to experience a terrifying chain of events forcing her to determine their paranormal origins before it’s too late.

chanesingletary Penpusher Asked on November 5, 2018 in Horror.
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4 Review(s)

As Richiev’s new logline does, ┬ástart with the inciting incident, introduce the protagonist, and give us a goal. This is a great concept though!

I kinda want to know more about what she’s seeing. “Terrifying chain of events”… give us more information. The reader should be able to visualise the story in their head and I can’t with this. Does she see ghosts? Does she start seeing into the future? Or the past? What, specifically, does this eye allow her to see and what goal does this set up. Basically, you’re burying the hook! You don’t explicitly state that the reason why she’s seeing the paranormal is because of her transplant. Don’t be vague about that – that’s what makes your story unique!

In the same vein “before it’s too late” is too vague as the stakes and a ticking clock. What happens if she doesn’t uncover the truth? I’m guessing she dies and the eye is transplanted into another person… franchise, anyone? But you need to tie together what she’s seeing and what’s going to happen.

Keep going with this for sure!! It’s got legs!

mikepedley85 Mentor Reviewed on November 5, 2018.
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You need some connective tissue between all the elements. How is the new transplant related to the haunting? What happens when it is too late?

Here is a guess

A transplant recipient must figure out if the heart is causing her haunting visions or a malicious spirit out to kill her.

CraigDGriffiths Summitry Reviewed on November 5, 2018.
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“When she begins to see the paranormal, a corneal transplant patient must discover who was the transplant donor and why, since the operation, she is under supernatural threat.”
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I think this a solid concept, an eye transplant leads to seeing what should never be seen.

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on November 5, 2018.
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Agreed with all the above, I’ll add that her goal is missing. What MUST she do as a result of seeing paranormal stuff? And what kind of paranormal? Ghosts? Demons? Angles? Describing the type of things she sees will help specify the genre.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on November 7, 2018.
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