A retired spy living the high life on the French Riviera must confront his dark, shameful past when he is blackmailed into entrapping a Nazi war criminal.

thedarkhorse Penpusher Asked 7 days ago in Thriller.
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5 Review(s)

A spy for who? America? Russia? England? France?
Who blackmails him? America? Russia? England? France?

Richiev Singularity Reviewed 7 days ago.
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>> must confront his dark, shameful past when

Vague.  I think this needs to be spelled out because it’s an integral component of the inciting incident and the moral dilemma he faces.

As an example,  consider the logline for the film “The Debt”.  New information, a  clue,  is the inciting incident that compels  a retired Mossad agent to confront her dark, shameful past.  Specifically, that she failed to assassinate the Nazi war criminal.  And worse, that she and her fellow operatives lied about it.  For 30 years she has been hailed as a national hero for a job she botched.

That’s her “dark shameful past”.  And it’s also the story hook.  I suggest that  the vague phrase “confront his dark shameful past”  is. in effect, hiding the juicy bait on the story hook.  Instead, it ought to be dangled in plain view to tempt movie makers to bite, to read the script.

fwiw

dpg Singularity Reviewed 7 days ago.
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As well…

>> living the high life on the French Riviera

Can be replaced with one or two words, like “comfortably retired.”  The details are for the script.

Say more for the mental picture. For example, “After being blackmailed into it, (the protag) befriends a  Nazi war criminal in (location) as part of a scheme to….

Add the year.

Make sure the stakes are clear.

Robb Ross Samurai Reviewed 5 days ago.
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Hi everyone. Thanks for the feedback.

How about this one?

After being blackmailed by a former colleague, a British double agent from WWII is forced out of retirement to spy on on his American counterpart, a Nazi war criminal hiding on the French Riviera. 

I dropped the dark, shameful past. I’m hoping “blackmailed” is enough. Do you need to know what the blackmail is? If so I might say “blackmailed with treason”?

The former colleague tells him he’ll expose him to the Nazi’s who he worked alongside and who believe him to be dead. At this point I think I need to change my script to suit my logline. I like treason – I think that would add real stakes.

thedarkhorse Penpusher Reviewed 4 days ago.
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