A secretly psychic troubleshooter, after”seeing” an old Nazi secret is part of the trouble she has to “shoot”, has to decide if she can live with it.

    fadeintomack Penpusher Asked on February 13, 2018 in Drama.
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    4 Review(s)

      Too much vagueness in the logline  (a “troubleshooter” what’s that? Sounds like an IT guy). Don’t hide the secret from the logline reader and then the “shoot” portion brings more confusion.

      Remember that a logline is mainly for some Hollywood big shot that has millions of dollars in the bank and is waiting for the perfect story to come across his table to read and pump money into for production. Ask yourself, when he reads your logline, will it make him salivate and yell “LET ME SEE THE SCRIPT!” or will it make him scratch his head and go back to his lunch? On a lesser scale, would telling your best friend what a movie is about in that logline sentence make them want to rush to the theater? Take the mystery out of the logline and be enticing and direct. Just my two cents.

      philasify Penpusher Reviewed on February 13, 2018.
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        Why did you decide to use quotations 2x in one sentence?

        Part of the trouble? Live with? I don’t understand who or which you are referring.

        Plus 1 star for Nazi secret though.

        Foxtrot25 Summitry Reviewed on February 13, 2018.

        Thank you for your response. I am learning so much. Okay time to explain my weird line.

        The quotations were to clarify that the seeing is a psychic seeing not a normal kind of seeing + she is not really shooting as in gun but shooting trouble because she is a troubleshooter. She is on a normal trouble shooting job but sees that a connecting nazi secret has to also be solved to get the job done. The : live with,  was ment for will she come out of the psychic closet and do this or will she leave the secret for what it is and live with it.

        on February 13, 2018.
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          You can’t keep the secret a secret in the logline.  For one thing, there have been too many films done over the decades about secret Nazi this and that (conspiracies, Swiss bank accounts, art treasures buried in mines, hideouts in Argentina, etc.)– it’s become a tired trope.

          Your logline needs to reveal the secret. Agents, producers and directors want to know if you’ve got a new take on the trope before they’re going to ask to read the script.

          And loglines are not about decisions to be made… eventually, maybe.  Loglines are about the action that follows from a decision that is made; specifically, the decision to commit to an objective goal.

          Through all the iterations of your logline, I still don’t have a clear sense of what her objective goal is.  So, for the moment I suggest forgetting about writing a complete logline with all the required elements.  Just write one short sentence stating her objective goal.   Nothing more.   Just her objective goal.  What is it? What she must do?  Exactly,  what is she struggling to achieve?

          dpg Singularity Reviewed on February 13, 2018.

          Thank you for your help. I am doing backflips with this thing.

          She needs to find the lost nazi gold in order to stay out of jail

          (or to get paid and not loose her house. )

          on February 13, 2018.

          NO!

          Not “…stay out of jail…” or “…get paid…” or “…lose her house…” – pick one – JUST ONE – of these as her goal.

          Much like DPG, I still don’t understand what her goal is. Which ONE goal must she strive to achieve throughout the film?

          on February 13, 2018.

          Okay : She needs to find the lost Nazi gold in order to keep her home.

          on February 13, 2018.

          Needs higher stakes than that.  The stakes can’t just be about her.  She needs to do it for a purpose greater than herself, for a common good greater than her own personal need.

          on February 14, 2018.

          Not sure how much clearer I can make it – ONE GOAL. Seriously fadein, you have no idea how crucial this is.

          You wrote: “…She needs to find the lost Nazi gold in order to keep her home…” this is explicitly TWO GOALS, I’ll break it down for you:

          “…needs to find the lost Nazi gold …” is one goal that requires one set of actions to achieve.

          “…to keep her home…” is one goal that requires one set of actions to achieve.

          If you were to tell an average person about a character who needs to find lost Nazi gold and then ask them why they need to do so, would they necessarily say “well, of course, it’s to save their home”? No, 99.9% of people wouldn’t make that connection, therefore, these are two unrelated objectives that you keep trying to cram into one.

          A big warning sign that a producer is dealing with an amateur is when the writer fails to answer, in a succinct manner, what the main character wants in the story.

          And as DPG wrote, best to give her a goal that benefits other as well as her self – make her a hero.

          on February 14, 2018.
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            What is a normal trouble shooting job? Give us the task and how does this keep her out of gaol.

            This will drive her needs and wants, which is what the story is really about. For example:

            A psychic is promised no gaol time if she helps a powerful businessman locate an artifact only to ‘see’ it is connected to Nazi atrocities and her action will prevent justice.

            This needs more work. But I am guessing the story is she must decide to do the right thing for herself or by other, but she’ll try to do both.

            CraigDGriffiths Summitry Reviewed on February 13, 2018.

            Hello Craig. Thank you so much for your advice. Well this troubleshooter is an accountant. She will resolve problems in company accounts. Your guess is right. She (hermit , a-social,closet psychic)  has to step up to the plate, come out, work with people and find this gold. What do you mean with no goal time ( she can’t score? get paid?) O wait is it a typo? You mean jail time?

            The movie about in a nutshell : She is a hermit, secretly psychic troubleshooting accountant who works from home. She is threatened to go to Berlin and troubleshoot for a major client or loose her job and  home. While she is on the job she ” sees”  the problem in the books has to do with Nazi gold that the major clients brother is after. He is fixing the books to fund the search digs.  Now she has to find the lost Nazi gold  in order to keep her house.

            So redoing your sentence, it would be like :

            A secretly psychic accountant is promised no jail time if she resolves a problem in a clients books . When she ‘sees’ his problem is connected to a search for the lost Nazi Gold, she  has her work cut out for her.

            on February 13, 2018.
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