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hyperion79Penpusher
Posted: September 27, 20172017-09-27T23:50:18+10:00 2017-09-27T23:50:18+10:00In: Comedy

A self-centered man, doubting his relationship with his girlfriend, finds a way to jump through dimensions to find the woman he believes was ?the one,? but risks collapsing the entire multiverse before he finds her.

A self-centered man, doubting his relationship with his girlfriend, finds a way to jump through dimensions to find the woman he believes was ?the one,? but risks collapsing the entire multiverse before he finds her.
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    1. Foxtrot25 Uberwriter
      2017-09-28T02:43:43+10:00Added an answer on September 28, 2017 at 2:43 am

      Hyperion,

      This lacks clarity as written. Recommend you break this down into the 3 basic elements and begin again.

      Also, you have this as a comedy, yet aren’t touching on anything comedic.

      A man risks a universal catastrophe by entering a dimensional portal in search of a girl that he believes to be his true love.

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    2. dpg Singularity
      2017-09-28T02:51:55+10:00Added an answer on September 28, 2017 at 2:51 am

      The inciting incident seems rather small? to justify the magnitude of the effort and risk he undertakes. Even for a comedy where characters have license to make big mistakes for stupid reasons.? He puts himself and multiple universes at risk of total annihilation just because he has some doubts.??

      Doubts?

      Also the logline seems to provide a contrived too convenient piece of awesome magic: he finds a way to jump through dimensions. Wow, just like that he is able to pull that rabbit out of the hat? Why is he able to perform that trick, a trick no one else can?

      Then when he gets there he risk collapsing the multiverse. Another piece of magic,? dark (matter?) magic,? but magic, nonetheless.

      I think the premise requires a lot of magic, perhaps too much magic, all of which has to be explained before anyone can really understand what the story is about.

      And why does he feel he must look in another universe for “the one” when there are 4 billion other candidates? on this planet in this one?

      And as Foxtrot25 asked:? where’s the funny?? It’s billed as a comedy.

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    3. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2017-09-28T15:28:53+10:00Added an answer on September 28, 2017 at 3:28 pm

      Agreed with Foxtrot25 and DPG.

      This could work as an OTT comedy based on a ludicrous premise ala’ Hot Tub Time Machine. I would struggle to see it getting made without a Hollywood insider in on the development, but you never know.

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