A serial killer is driven by the voice of God to kill five killers – in order to keep the woman he’s falling in love with, a Christian, who is giving him a conscience.

    Mentor Posted on April 10, 2020 in Thriller.
    Add Comment
    3 Review(s)

      The goals and obstacles don’t line up perfectly so it feels a little disjointed.

      He is killing killers because god says if he does a woman will live him? Does she already love him? If yes, then what would change that.?

      If she was a good woman, him just killing would end it. If he had no conscience why would she be in love with him? I think that detail brings in confusion rather than a good question.

      “Believing God told him to kill 5 people to retain the love of his devout wife. A man struggles with killing and keeping it secret from his confidant to avoid disappointing her”.

      This is not your story. But the goal and obstacles are more directly aligned.

      Singularity Answered on April 11, 2020.

      Hi Craig.

      Agreed. It is muddled and convoluted. I wrote the outline for this in 2012. Good practice.

      Certainly – I wouldn’t get very far at all with that logline ha.

      on April 15, 2020.
      Add Comment

        I dig it, but Killer, Kill, and Killers jump out at me.

        How about:

        • is driven by what he believes is the voice of God” – holy war?
        • to kill five” – skin alive five? Whatever method the Serial Killer is good at replaces “kill”.
        • “five killers” – five murderers or five child molesters.
        • in order to keep the woman he’s falling in love with, a Christian,” – I am unable to connect the plot dots with this wording so I start drifting to the logline “To win the love of a…” which I don’t think is the right direction.
        • Why five? Was the relationship with a person of faith the reason he now hears from God?
        • Does she know he is a baddie?
        • Even if redemption happens/he kills the five, reality states they cannot live happily ever after. There will be consequences that are good for your logline e.g. what happens if she fails “rubbing off” on him is she the next victim? What if one of the five revenge – against his girl? What happens if he gets busted by his girl or police?
        Samurai Answered on April 11, 2020.

        Hi Odie,
        I’ll just answer a few of your points as I’m probably not moving forward with this.

        “is driven by what he believes is the voice of God” – holy war?
        I was inspired by TAKE SHELTER. With this – you don’t quite know if he’s delusional and going crazy or if he’s genuinely hearing some divine being who is ordering him to kill his fellow man.

        “five killers” – five murderers or five child molesters.
        I think of the film “M” (1931) whereby a criminal underworld is after a child murderer and society is revealed to be just as bloodthirsty as the child murderer. That’s what intrigued me about the idea. This grey area.

        Perhaps the first one is a child molester. Then the last few – you’ve got a cop and someone he really doesn’t want to kill. In the outline – the last killer was himself.

        Again though – the idea is very convoluted and messy – and you can tell just from the logline.

        on April 15, 2020.
        Add Comment

          Original logline:

          A serial killer is driven by what he believes is the voice of God to kill five killers – in order to keep the woman he’s falling in love with, a Christian, who is steadily giving him a conscience. 

          I removed “what he believes” and I wasn’t sure about “steadily”. It feels redundant. I dunno.

          Other ways to end it:

          … who is steadily making him human again.
          … who is steadily humanising him.

          Mentor Answered on April 10, 2020.
          Add Comment

          Your Review

          By posting your review, you agree to the privacy policy and terms of service.