A single again Investment Banker clashes with the woman her fiancé cheated on her with at a speed-dating event whilst struggling to find a date to attend his upcoming wedding

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    Penpusher Posted on November 17, 2019 in Romance.
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      Re: the revised version

      >>>do the largest advertising campaign

      It’s not clear that her “colleague” has the authority to green light the campaign.  Better to indicate that the person who she makes the bet with is someone who has that kind of authority, that her “colleague” is her boss, her manager, whatever.

      And stakes entails a downside as well as an upside.  So what’s the downside?  How will her career suffer if she fails?

      Singularity Answered on November 18, 2019.

      Thanks for the review. I’m thinking again!

      on November 19, 2019.

      Hi dpg

      Here’s another try:

       

      After being dumped by her fiancé and sidelined at work, an Ad Executive goes speed-dating as a bet with her demanding boss that if she gets all 12 men to tick her then she could do the largest advertising campaign their company has ever done otherwise he will demote her.

      on November 19, 2019.
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        Is this a short?

        single again Investment Banker

        Paint a more-focused picture, as with her main trait or flaw that creates irony and conflict for her objective. That she’s single is implied by the rest so that is not necessary here. Being a banker doesn’t say much and her career doesn’t seem important to the story.

        clashes with the woman her fiancé cheated on her with at a speed-dating event

        Clarify the type of clashing and if the protag is the instigator. This will also help with the tone.

        whilst struggling to find a date to attend his upcoming wedding”

        The objective is weak, unrelatable, and makes her look bad.

         

        What are the stakes? Emotional well-being can work if the story is about her getting over the pain, though such stakes would need to be better implied with the protag’s description and type of clashing.

        Two women fighting over a guy is old-fashioned.

        How is this a romance? If it’s also a comedy, where is the humor?

        What’s the novel angle here, the thing that this story has that others do not?

        My two cents.

        Mentor Answered on November 17, 2019.

        Thanks Robb:
        Here is my total re-write for anyone who wants to provide feedback

        After being dumped by her fiancé and sidelined at work, an Ad Executive goes speed-dating as a bet with her colleague that if she gets all 12 men to tick her then she could do the largest advertising campaign their company has ever done.

        on November 18, 2019.
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          Leslie13:

          I’m big on story hooks. Fundamentally, a logline is a sales tool for a script. And  in sales the prime operative is to sell the sizzle, not the steak.  So what’s the sizzle (aka: story hook) in your story?

          Frankly, I think the sizzle is in the earlier version where she finds herself competing in a round of speed dating against the “slut'” who destroyed her marriage . What’s so sizzling about an ad campaign?  In a romance.?  The goal, the  stakes should be focused on a romantic relationship–not an ad campaign.  Like they end up competing for the same  Mr. Right.  I suggest re-focusing the story on the dramatic requirements and audience expectations of the romantic genre.

          What is her subjective need?  To prove to her boss she’s got the chops to do a successful ad campaign?  (And how does selling herself prove she can sell soap,or whatever the product is?)  Or does she need to prove to herself that she’s a person worthy of being loved?

          My 2.5 cents worth.

          Singularity Answered on November 19, 2019.
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            It sounds like you’re set on doing a speed-dating story (that still seems to be a short) and are searching for an appropriate setup. Is that correct? Because this new idea is vastly different and I don’t see any connection between getting ticked by 12 men and getting the ad campaign, so it’s confusing.

            What’s the point of all this? What’s pushing you to work on this idea?

            Mentor Answered on November 19, 2019.
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              When you conceptualize a story, think about the message the plot sends. Your last logline offers us a man who is going to judge a woman’s ability to handle her job based on her ability to flirt with other men. In what culture is this story set? Anywhere the #MeToo movement is active, people would find a premise like that sexist in the extreme.

              As Robb said, I think you need to go back to the story board with this concept.

              Mentor Answered on November 19, 2019.
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                I think the speed-dating setting is good as a set-up, but I’m not sure it could sustain a feature. Unless this is a short, of course. I think the stakes could be much higher – i.e. the large ad campaign isn’t a very concrete or relatable goal. I think the competitive nature of the speed dating event could work if it’s used to make a broader point e.g. if it was a ‘battle of the sexes’ comedy, the protagonist and antagonist could each be arguing that it’s easier for men or women to get dates etc. and this is the way they prove it.

                Samurai Answered on November 24, 2019.
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