A smart but directionless food delivery boy is mistakenly given the kiss of death from a psychotic gangster and must outwit the mob in order to survive and get his life back on track
It reads okay. But it feels like a series of events. Rather than a story.
I would try:
When a delivery boy is accidentally given the kiss of death by a mobster he must (a goal) to avoid being killed but (obstacle).
If you have space you could.
When a delivery boy is accidentally given the kiss of death by a mobster he must (a goal) to avoid being killed but (obstacle) but (complication).
When a delivery boy is accidentally given the kiss of death by a mobster he must he must get to the crime bosses night club to explain the mistake to avoid being killed but he is hunted by a hitman and the police.
This isn’t your story. But something like that give a bit more detail. From your line it is a it like stating the obvious. Someone is coming to kill you, you must outsmart them.
I really like your premise – I can totally see it playing out for comedic value. I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better. I’m thinking about how you can fine-tune it… my thoughts are along these lines:
- ‘smart but directionless’ – as Craig says, how does this impact the script. This will be the beginning of his growth arc, so I’m guessing he’s smart because you want him to be able to figure out what to do? And directionless is covering a backstory of why he’s working as a pizza boy rather than using his intellect? So by the end of the story he’ll be smart and have a direction in life? What will this direction be? How will this help him convince a mafia don they made a mistake and how will this successful mission give him direction in life? What flaws will it fix and how?
- I guess his family being threatened is a threat for him to come out of hiding? If they are held hostage, why wouldn’t he just use himself as a bargaining chip to get access to the Don? Problem sorted – or at least family saved?
- Who was supposed to get the kiss? Would locating them help him in his mission (without throwing them under the bus of course)?
- Why pizza? If he can be any kind of delivery boy, I’d choose one that helps you in your plot/comes in useful in the solution… it may be pizza still, or it could be documents, medicine?
Thanks for your advice Craig.
I’ve done a rewrite that includes a MPR:
When a smart but directionless pizza boy is mistakenly given the kiss of death by a psychotic crime boss, he must outrun the mob to survive, but when his family is threatened, he must find the mobster and persuade him to call off the hit.