A smart but directionless food delivery boy is mistakenly given the kiss of death from a psychotic gangster and must outwit the mob in order to survive and get his life back on track

    Logliner Posted on April 8, 2020 in Comedy.
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    3 Review(s)

      It reads okay. But it feels like a series of events. Rather than a story.

      I would try:

      When a delivery boy is accidentally given the kiss of death by a mobster he must (a goal) to avoid being killed but (obstacle).

      If you have space you could.

      When a delivery boy is accidentally given the kiss of death by a mobster he must (a goal) to avoid being killed but (obstacle) but (complication).

       

      When a delivery boy is accidentally given the kiss of death by a mobster he must he must get to the crime bosses night club to explain the mistake to avoid being killed but he is hunted by a hitman and the police.

      This isn’t your story. But something like that give a bit more detail.  From your line it is a it like stating the obvious. Someone is coming to kill you, you must outsmart them.

      Regards

      Craig

      Singularity Answered on April 8, 2020.
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        Hi guswakey,

        I really like your premise – I can totally see it playing out for comedic value.  I think Craig has pretty much knocked this on the head, and your second logline reads so much better.   I’m thinking about how you can fine-tune it… my thoughts are along these lines:

        • ‘smart but directionless’ – as Craig says, how does this impact the script.  This will be the beginning of his growth arc, so I’m guessing he’s smart because you want him to be able to figure out what to do?  And directionless is covering a backstory of why he’s working as a pizza boy rather than using his intellect?  So by the end of the story he’ll be smart and have a direction in life?  What will this direction be?  How will this help him convince a mafia don they made a mistake and how will this successful mission give him direction in life?  What flaws will it fix and how?
        • I guess his family being threatened is a threat for him to come out of hiding?  If they are held hostage, why wouldn’t he just use himself as a bargaining chip to get access to the Don?  Problem sorted – or at least family saved?
        • Who was supposed to get the kiss?  Would locating them help him in his mission (without throwing them under the bus of course)?
        • Why pizza?  If he can be any kind of delivery boy, I’d choose one that helps you in your plot/comes in useful in the solution… it may be pizza still, or it could be documents, medicine?

        Regards
        Trix

        Mentor Answered on April 8, 2020.

        Hi Trix, thanks so much for all your feedback

        I have been trying to find one adjective to describe my main character but have been struggling thus far. He has potential, but he lacks ambition. He is a recent graduate stuck in his university lifestyle- late nights, takeaways, messy room etc but things are moving on around him. He gets dumped by his serious, long term girlfriend and kicked out of his parents home. When he first starts to realize the danger he is in when the hit is placed on him, his instinct is to run away from the problem -leave town. He begins to like the idea of starting again and leaving it all behind. Once his family is kidnapped/threatened then he starts to realize that he can’t keep running and that he has to face the problems in his life head on.

        I see your point with regards to the family kidnapping potentially being used as an easy way to get access to the Don. I need to make that goal harder to achieve. Something to work on for sure!

        I am still working on the connection and relationship between the original target of the hit and the pizza boy because I certainly want to make him an important part of the story.

        I chose pizza delivery due to personal experiences as a food delivery driver, however his previous job was as a door to door salesman selling security alarm installations (so he knows the local area, plus the intricacies of alarm systems which will prove useful later on down the line)

        on April 9, 2020.

        As this is going to be a comedy, (I feel) you’re going to get a little more artistic license than with other formats… so you can be a little more outlandish.

        What about a cater waiter?  Waiting on at a party the Don is throwing… Some comedy of errors, something to do with his outfit that makes him mistaken for the real hit.  You could always bring in a love element in the shape of the Don’s son or daughter… and give him a lifeline.

        😉

        on April 10, 2020.
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          Thanks for your advice Craig.

          I’ve done a rewrite that includes a MPR:

          When a smart but directionless pizza boy is mistakenly given the kiss of death by a psychotic crime boss, he must outrun the mob to survive, but when his family is threatened, he must find the mobster and persuade him to call off the hit.

          Logliner Answered on April 8, 2020.

          I really like that.

          The only thing I would do. Is think how “smart directionless”  impacts on the story and does it need to be in the logline?

          Is there one word that gets you over the line (so to speak).  Does that description make him feel generic?  When you got an entire script to make him unique it is okay.  But describing him as the average character in an average teen movie may not be your friend here.

          Good line.

          on April 8, 2020.

          I see your point, I have been trying to find the one word that sums him up.

          When we meet him, he is at a crossroads in his life. His potential is hampered by his lack of ambition and has been stuck in a job that he doesn’t particularly want, and where it is reasonable to expect that he should have been promoted by this point. He loses this job early on and gets dumped. By the end of his journey he understands that endeavour is as important (if not more so) than intelligence and realises that there is a purpose for his life.

          on April 9, 2020.

          Thinking of the most appropriate one word to describe this character:

          unmotivated

          apathetic

          unindustrious

          indifferent

           

          on April 9, 2020.

          late teen pizza boy

          or

          a pizza boy

          This can come out in the script. It doesn’t seem to be getting paid off in the logline.

          A stuttering man is forced to make a speech. The stutter is paid off. A stuttering man runs a marathon, not paid off.

          I don’t think personality trait is getting paid off. That is why we are struggling with it.

          on April 9, 2020.
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