Logliner
Posted: 2020-07-20T06:43:35+10:00 In:

A smart young property developer locates the perfect large country house, but it is haunted. Knowing the ghost must go before the family arrive, a 250 year old murder has to be resolved.

The Grange.

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    5 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      This logline doesn’t flow very well, however, it does give us the information we need, and that doesn’t always happen in the loglines posted here.

      Here is what this logline needs to make it compelling… It needs stakes.

      If the lead character doesn’t solve the problem then ‘this really bad and personal thing’ will happen to the lead character.

      What will the lead lose if they do not achieve their goal?

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    2. Samurai

      Some things you put in there didn’t seem important to the plot (e.g. smart, large…) Also, it could be phrased in a way that makes the inciting incident (i.e. When something happens…) and the protagonist’s goal (i.e. so and so must…) more clear. Also, for some reason, I find mentioning the specific large number of years a bit awkward. How about something like this?

      When a young property developer risks her life savings renovating an apparently haunted country house, she must solve the troublesome ghost’s centuries-old murder mystery before the new residents arrive.

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    3. Logliner

      I agree and see the need to remove things. I like the alternative idea, thanks.

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    4. Samurai

      Hi JoeCrieda,

      INTENTION: a 250 year old murder has to be resolved.
      OBSTACLE: ghost must go before family arrives.

      Attempt 1:
      When he finds out the large country house he’s selling is haunted, a property developer must resolve a murder that occurred hundreds of years ago, before the family arrives. – That’s roughly the essence of it.

      Notes:
      – There’s not much on the line. I mean – he could walk away from this. Why does he have to sell it?

      Attempt 2:
      When he learns the house he will sell for a huge payday is haunted, a struggling property developer must resolve the ghost’s murder in order to make her leave, before the family arrives.

      Notes:
      – Okay. The intention is a bit more clear here.
      – I added “struggling” so we know he definitely needs this payday.
      – It’s a bit vague from my logline whether he teams up with the ghost or they have some kind of agreement. (I’m only guessing you might be going the STIR OF ECHOES route. Good movie btw.)

      Last attempt:

      When he learns the house he will sell for a huge payday is haunted, a struggling property developer must resolve the ghost’s murder in order for her to leave, (but… )

      – I got rid of the “before the family arrives”. That’s gotta be innate.
      – I’m thinking it needs a twist there but I don’t know what.

      – “but soon finds out, only he can see her”.
      – “only to fall for her”.
      – “only to find out, the murderer might be his client”. * perhaps this one?

      When he learns the house he will sell for a huge payday is haunted, a struggling property developer must resolve the ghost’s murder in order to get her to leave, only to find out – the murderer might be his client.

      Hope this gets the ball rolling!

      Good luck.

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