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EricaSamurai
Posted: July 2, 20162016-07-02T01:04:16+10:00 2016-07-02T01:04:16+10:00In: SciFi

A soft-hearted young woman determined to find her birth parents stumbles on a deadly alien species that may hold the key to her origin.

A soft-hearted young woman determined to find her birth parents stumbles on a deadly alien species that may hold the key to her origin.
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    4 Reviews

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    1. dpg Singularity
      2016-07-02T04:22:20+10:00Added an answer on July 2, 2016 at 4:22 am

      First of all, I like the fact that the protagonist is female. ?There are not enough them in loglines, let alone movies. They are sadly?under represented in the SciFi genre which is absurd when one of the strongest, take-charge, kick-ass protagonists of all time is Ripley in the Alien franchise.

      The hitch I see is that this appears to be similar to Ripley’s predicament in Alien: Resurrection where she is resurrected as a hybrid clone tainted with Alien genes. So your logline needs establish a clear differentiation.

      I suggest you reframe the logline in terms of what she must do — what becomes her objective goal — after she discovers or suspects whatever she discovers or suspects about the relationship between her and the alien species.

      And that relationship needs to be clarified in the logline. ?Anything less is hiding the game ball. ?And loglines are about showcasing the game ball — not hiding it. If she’s got Alien genes, the logline needs to suggest as much. ?If it’s something else, well, show the ball.

      fwiw.

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    2. Richiev Singularity
      2016-07-02T11:03:33+10:00Added an answer on July 2, 2016 at 11:03 am

      Your logline doesn’t read like it’s complete. Instead it seems as though you are just giving us the inciting incident then not telling us what she must do about it.

      “When she discovers a deadly alien species that may hold the key to her heritage, a softhearted woman must…” (Then tell us what she must do)

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    3. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2016-07-02T18:36:51+10:00Added an answer on July 2, 2016 at 6:36 pm

      The logline would benefit from describing the inciting incident. If you make clear the event that motivated the character to need to find her parents, then you dramatise the situation and provide the audience with an opportunity to develop empathy. It becomes personal and a ‘must do’ goal instead of the MC deciding on a whim to seek them out.

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    4. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2016-07-04T15:02:22+10:00Added an answer on July 4, 2016 at 3:02 pm

      In the revised version of the logline the death of the stepfather is described as the inciting incident. However, I don’t see how that would necessarily motivate her to do so, she knew that her biological parents are somewhere away from her before he died so why is it imperative she find her biological parents now?

      If she is unable to take care of her self and needs a guardian, then what makes her think she can go on the journey to find her parents? The logic doesn’t add up in this instance. However, if she were to be young enough for the authorities to put her in foster care, and in order to avoid this she seeks out her biological parents then her motivation is clear.

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