A street stupid teen struggles to sell methamphetamine looted from a crimescene to fund his dream of making it big in Hollywood, as he’s pursued by a psychopath cop.
bennyLogliner
A street stupid teen struggles to sell methamphetamine looted from a crimescene to fund his dream of making it big in Hollywood, as he’s pursued by a psychopath cop.
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This is? a review of a previous logline under the guidance those who know more than me in this area, and a slight change in my script overtime.? Wisdom and advice is always taken humbly on board and much appreciated.
As loglines cant be edited please excuse the word “this” and replace with “his” to make more sense.? Check before you send Ben.
One problem I have with the logline is that there doesn’t seem to be any reason to root for the character to succeed. ?
Just because the cop is “psychotic” doesn’t make the young man?a sympathetic ?character. ?Why should I want him to make to Hollyweird, let alone make it in Hollyweird?
For that matter, why do you want him to succeed? ?What’s the emotional hook in the story for you?
(And it’s more correct to describe the cop as a psychopath. ?A true psychotic can’t function as a cop — or in any other job. ?He wouldn’t have the mental clarity to pursue a cockroach, let alone a criminal.)
Great I didn’t see the edit tool cheers dpg.
Yes what you say is true it’s hard to root for a drug dealer. But there really are so many reasons to root for this character which I’ll work on summarizing in very few words to squeeze into the already jam packed logline.
For starters he’s just a stupid kid who recently lost his mother in a car accident. She was a well respected community worker which left him to be raised by his clueless beer drinking, cricket addicted father.? As sad as this all is the question is, will the audience find enough sympathy to hope this boy succeeds?
As much as I hate to compare my story to Breaking Bad, I did find myself still rooting for WW even after he made his quota to get his cancer treatment. Maybe I just liked the guy. I guess I see the same scenario with Hancock.? A reckless drunk who I still wanted to see change because I liked him.
I guess in short the teen undergoes serious personal change throughout the script and comes to his senses with the whole drug deal nonsense. He sees the light and eventually continues his mothers unfinished work with the drug problem in the community (yes while being pursued by a nut case cop). So the new struggle is to outrun the cop and turn things around somehow.
I know none of this means anything if I can’t squeeze it into the logline so once again I’ll go away and come back again.
Good point on the wording of ‘psychotic’.
I think for me, the phrase “Street Stupid Teen” is what turns me off from even wanting to care in the first place.?? With Breaking Bad, we cared for Walter right out of the gate and just kept rooting for him even as he sank further and further from noble to down right criminal.? The “psychotic” cop seems like something just thrown in to create tension.?? If the kid is selling drugs, why does the cop have to be crazy?
“A grieving young street kid struggles to make it big in Hollywood at any cost while being chase by the cops for stealing drugs from a crime scene.”
Benny:
Here’s an issue I see about comparing your character to Walter White. ?WW’s motive, while misguided, was altruistic. ?He wasn’t trying to sell drugs for himself. ?He was selling them to have enough money to provide for his family after his death. ?That’s the emotional hook Vince Gilligan that was used to get us to root for the guy.
In contrast, your character’s goal as established in the logline is selfish. ?It’s all about him.
That he’s recently lost his mother makes him a victim. ?Okay, so I feel sorry for him. ?But that still doesn’t translate into my wanting to see him succeed at pursuing a purely selfish goal.
Others’ mileage may vary.
That he changes motives may be part of his character arc — but that’s not in the logline.?
And re: ?”Hancock”. ?It ?was High Concept. ?The usual criterion for a High Concept story is that it can be stated in one pitch sentence, preferably 10 words or less. For “Hancock” it’s: ?A man with superhero powers but no supehero virtues.
Nine words.
Is your story High Concept? ? Can you pitch it in one pithy sentence?
(And BTW: ?Vince Gilligan also did a polish, got a co-writing credit on “Hancock”. )
Thank you Erica. The “street stupid teen” is meant to describe his flaw which will give him an instant disadvantage when it comes to achieving his goal of selling the meth.
Thank you for the alternative option but I really hate the word “grieving” as it straight away gives the film a sad and potentially boring feel. Also he’s not a street kid. He’s “street stupid”.
The cop doesn’t have to be crazy sure. But that’s his character. To me it only adds to the teens dramas. Feedback appreciated.
Thanks once again dpg.
You are right WW’s motives to have the money there for his family were purely unselfish. Was this really his motive for continuing the criminal activity though? Perhaps building the Heisenburg brand became addictive? Perhaps the opportunity he’d lost with Gray Matters Technologies in a previous life was motivating him. My thoughts were he turned his back on his family and his goals became purely selfish.
I’m merely trying to get to the bottom of what makes someone root for a character regardless of their motives/ flaws /selfish acts and incorporate that into my confused young teen.
No my story is not high concept.
That’s also interesting about Vince Gillian and Hancock.
>>>Was this really his motive for continuing the criminal activity though?
No. ?But, per the formula for a series, ?that’s another story line for another season. ?Are you writing a feature film or a series?
>>>I?m merely trying to get to the bottom of what makes someone root for a character regardless of their motives/ flaws /selfish acts and incorporate that into my confused young teen.
I’m with you on that. ?I don’t subscribe to the standard rule that the character must always be sympathetic, always likable. ?Most of the time, for most stories, yes he or she should be. ?But not always. ?There are exceptions. ?I am always scanning for successful films (critical and/or commercial) ?that, as far as I can figure out, break the rule.
And based upon my study so far, l conclude that in order for a writer to get away with breaking the rule of a sympathetic character, or at least one with a redeeming feature or action, he’s got to have a “secret sauce”, a unique character angle or story twist that makes the ?character irresistible, the story compelling anyway.
Sorry, but so far I’m not sensing a “secret sauce” for this character or story.
BTW: ?Hancock is ?a comedy, and comedies are stories of human foibles. ?Hancock is a deeply flawed super hero — but he’s sympathetic because he’s not malicious. He doesn’t mean to cause all the trouble he does. ?Nor is he selfish. He’s not on an ego trip, pursuing self-aggrandizement.
(And doesn’t pursuing a Hollywierd career, ipso facto, ?entail something of an ego trip? Does anyone in showbiz have an objective goal of ?a career of ?hand-to-mouth poverty, humiliating rejection and obscurity, no fame, no money? )
You presented your story as a drama. ?Maybe it ought to be re-engineered as a comedy.
fwiw
Again some valuable words dpg, I appreciate the constructive thought you put into your replies.
To answer your question this is a feature film script. My first actually. Being as anxious as I am I began the writing process well before my idea had 3 complete acts. (motivated by a short course with David Trottier – Keepwriting). The journey has been one of many changes to both story and character. As much as I’d like to complete this script and be happy with the result, part of me wants to start on one of my new ideas and begin the process with a ‘solid’ logline first. (I’m battling whether that’s giving up or being smart).
Hi Benny.
Can I recommend a great book?
The War of Art by Steven Pressfield, it’s a quick and easy read?with many useful insights that may help with you dilemma – one many writers face all the time.
As for your logline, I’ve read through this thread and it sounds as if you’ve already dedicated a considerable amount of time and energy to this concept. It also sounds like there are a few fundamental problems with it, I tend to agree with the others in this thread and believe?that in order to make this concept work, it will need a significant re think and subsequently lot of re writing.
Your replies, while appreciative and delightfully polite, indicate a degree of resistance to the work these fundamental changes call for, which is perfectly natural. However, it is possibly preventing you from maximising the potential of your story, and as Pressfield writes in his book is preventing you from excelling as a writer. I apologies if I come across as?pretentious, but I do believe this concept requires a ground up re think to ?make the character, his action and his goal work well as elements in a story.
Thank you Nir Shelter.
Yes, definitely some resistance on my behalf and I didn’t view any comments made by your good self as pretentious, quite the opposite actually. It’s great people are taking time out of their day to provide amateur writers with honest/knowledgeable advice to move their ideas forward.
When you spend so much time developing characters and allowing the interactions to unfold in your script, the advice given by others can be confronting,? especially knowing you have to go back and change things which inevitably send a ripple throughout the entire screenplay.
I will download the book you suggested on my Kindle tomorrow(today I mean) and humbly take the advice on board. It may be the kick in the backside I need.
Benny:
Sometimes all you need is space. Work on one of your other ideas and then come back to this one and you’ll be a bit more objective. (obviously not totally because it’s your story)
Rather than make your character likable, exactly, ?trying going ambitious.
Make his goals so outlandish and interesting that an audience can’t help but root for him.
Thanks Dkpough1.
I agree that a time out will be a good idea. I was heading along that line anyway. I had a quick scan of my script this morning and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve put so much thought into the range of characters that I may just have neglected getting to know my MC. I have a bad habit of working backwards. I agree with all of your comments.