A strict, mean and no nonsense man in his mid thirties must learn compassion after he realises he has just 12 hours left to live.

Hi Eta,

Logline formula is usually made up of the following components: [Protagonist] + [Inciting Incident] + [Action/Goal] + [Antagonist and/or Antagonistic Force].

So far your logline when broken down into its fundamentals appears as such:

Protagonist: “A strict, mean and no nonsense man in his mid thirties.” This character description is too long and should be reduced to something a bit more like, “a no nonsense [man]”. Try to find a better word for “man,” maybe try something that helps imply that sense of strict and mean. A no nonsense ex-street fighter for example is a much more concise and servicable character description that gives me a clearer image in my head. Don’t worry about character age unless it is 100% necessary. As far as this logline is concerned it will benefit greatly without it.

Action/Goal: To “learn compassion?” This needs more attention. Character goals can help us understand where the character comes from, and where where they’re going. I have no clue how compassion alone is going to have much significance in the grand scheme of the protagonist’s world. Ask yourself why must the protagonist learn compassion, and what will compassion help him achieve?

Antagonist/Antagonistic Force: Not really stated. The only obstacle is the short time frame he has to learn compassion.

Inciting Incident: “He has just 12 hours to live.”

I think there is a lot of room for improvement here since you currently have a character that has a call to action, but we just don’t know what that action entails. Loglines are most effective when they put a clear image into the reader’s head. This logline has a lot of blanks to fill in (and that’s fine, it just needs some work).

Given that I don’t know much about your story I can only provide some off the fundamental tools to help rewrite your logline. Here are some templates to help you rewrite your logline:

“A no nonsense [man] must [Goal/Action] because [Antagonistic Force] when he learns he has just 12 hours to live.”

Or

“Having learned he has just 12 hours to live, a no nonsense [man] must [Goal/Action] because [Antagonistic Force].”

Excited to read a revision of yours. Any questions please ask.