A teenage loner meets his first love during lucid dreams and will have to choose between dream and reality, to be awaken without her or to never wake up.

    Penpusher Posted on May 8, 2020 in Romance.
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    6 Review(s)

      I think this is a really good concept. Well done. It just needs to be sharpened up I reckon. 

      It certainly ticks a lot of boxes of a marketable concept:

      1. It’s unique and universal. (we’ve all been a teenager and been in love.)

      2. Interesting dilemma – real life or dreams.

      3. Odd couple. 

      4. Unique hook – the dream girl.

      5. Interesting inciting event – hero masters (?) lucid dreaming.

      6. Fish out of water – kind of like Splash right? He enters into her dream world. She genuinely is a manic pixie dream girl.

      7. Protagonist’s arc is suggested: from loner to infatuated/lovelorn (?).

      8. It’s quite high concept/X meets Y. I’d say… AVATAR meets (maybe a teen romance? I keep thinking SPLASH because of the fish out of water angle.)

      Reminds me of this quote from Karate Kid part II:

      If I am dreaming, let me never awaken. If I am awake, let me never sleep. 

      Mentor Answered on May 8, 2020.
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        Anyways, the logline… 

        INTENTION: be with his dream girl.

        OBSTACLE: she exists only in his dreams. A huge, huge problem. In fact – there’s tons of problems here.

        A teenager falls for a girl who exists only in his dreams – and must figure out a way to be with her.

        So. I dunno. I’m curious to know what others think. If you need to add some stakes to that. (I honestly think the stakes almost seem innate here.)

        Perhaps…

        A teenager falls for a girl who exists only in his dreams – and must figure out a way to be with her, before his parents commit him.

        My notes:

        1. I’m not sure how necessary it is to characterise. He could just be a teenager.

        2. Choosing between dreams and reality is certainly a good dilemma. 

        3. Reminds me of Avatar. Perhaps Avatar meets Vanilla Sky? It has potential to be quite reality-bending, complex and philosophical. Regardless – it still works as a small, simple fairytale romance. (which is fine too.)

        4. Sounds like the real problem is just being with her.

        5. I honestly reckon this is the best concept I’ve seen on here. (Certainly my favourite thus far. I’d watch it.) It’s got lots of potential. Lots of angles to approach it from. Curious to know what others think.

        Good luck!

        Mentor Answered on May 8, 2020.

        Thanks! Love to read your review!
        Actually there’s way more than that, but I can’t reveal that in the logline! 🙁

        I’m at my 3rd draft of a 97 pages script, the trickiest part is the logline though!

        on May 8, 2020.

        TBH – in this case. The concept is very, very strong. In my opinion.

        If you were to drunkenly pitch this to someone in a bar as 

        “A man falls for a woman who is quite literally the woman of his dreams” they’d probably get it instantly.

        (I honestly reckon if you can pitch something to someone in a bar – and they get it instantly. Then yeah – you’ve got something good on your hands.)

        on May 8, 2020.

        The clearer and more exciting the idea – the better the chances your script will be read 😉

        I hope that script’s great as can be!

        on May 8, 2020.

        Thanks mate!

        Only thing I’m struggling with is the stake part.

        First version was: A teenage loner meets his first love during lucid dreams and now struggles between dream and reality.

        on May 9, 2020.
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          Only thing I’m struggling with is the stake part.

          Okay…

          Try answering these two:

          What is his intention? His objective? Make sure it’s strong and clear.

          What is his obstacle? (Sounds like he has a ton of them but I’m curious to know what you think it is.) Make sure it’s formidable. 

          I mean surely the stakes would be that he loses her forever and ever and ever?

          Or that perhaps his parents will commit him?

          Perhaps if he doesn’t figure out a way to make her real – he’ll lose her?

          Perhaps if he spends longer than a certain amount of time – he’ll be stuck in dreamland? (Nice little twist. Perhaps by the end – he chooses dreamland over reality. And in reality, he’s in a coma somewhere? Again – I don’t know what happens. I’m just playing with your idea ha.)

          I mean these are just ideas…

          What are your ideas here? What do you think the stakes are?

          Don’t be afraid to be as bad as possible – we’re just playing and mucking about.  Nothing’s concrete just yet.

          The answer is always there.

           

          Mentor Answered on May 9, 2020.
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            Okay…

            A teenager meets the love of his life in his dreams – and must figure out a way to be with her, before/or else…

            I think you need to lean into the specifics of what’s going on.

            I know you don’t want to reveal too much in the logline – but you do need to get specific if you want it to pop/conjure up the correct images in the reader’s head/be as strong and potent as possible.

            Again – I do really love the concept.

            Good luck with everything!

            Keep working on it. The answer is always there. It’s just hiding 😉

            Mentor Answered on May 9, 2020.
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              Great concept, officialfrankromeo!

              The funny thing is: I had the same idea years ago, as I dreamt about a girl I’ve never seen before and whom I fell in love with in my dreams.

              I also posted a logline here on the website about it:

              https://logline.it/logline/after-a-shy-teen-falls-in-love-with-an-unknown-girl-he-dreams-of-every-night-he-sleeps-all-day-to-be-with-her-but-ultimately-he-has-to-overcome-his-shyness-in-order-to-find-a-real-girlfriend/

              All the best with it!

              I may try to write down my own take on it.

              Mentor Answered on May 9, 2020.

              savinh0 this is either proof the Ethos exists (which I am a believer) or the Inspiration factor this site provides 😉

              on May 12, 2020.
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                For sure: his #1 intention is to be with her in the dreamworld forever.

                Obstacle: The fact that it’s a dream. It’s  impossible.

                Stakes would be his life I guess.

                Nice twists yeah. Would be good! Already wrote it though, it leaves the reader wondering at the end.

                Penpusher Answered on May 9, 2020.
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