a terminally ill man sets out to take revenge on people from his past. But to his frustration they are dying before he can get to them.
What’s the genre? It could be better as a dark comedy.
I miss a clear inciting incident. Maybe the illness?
And what kind of conflit could fuel the story?
When a small burocrate is diagnosed of a deadly brain cancer, he sets out to take revenge on people from his past only to find they’re all already dead.
Some people (my brother included) say that there is freedom to cancer. Having a reduced future frees you to do what you want. This guy is an up tight person who snaps and let’s go. It is a comedy. I have a series of ideas I am yet to string together.
I think it’s a promising premise. But one problem is that after 2 or 3 beats where he discovers he’s too late — the people on his shit list die before he can do the job himself — the running joke will get stale. Maybe it can be sustained for the 1st half of the 2nd Act – but through the entire 2nd Act? I dunno.
Wouldn’t he realize the pattern by the midpoint? And then what? It seems to me that’s where the really interesting story begins. (But I don’t know what it could be after the running joke gets old because I don’t know what your theme is.)
“Overcoming his frustration” — well, yes, of course. But his frustration is merely a symptom of deeper malady: his inability to forgive and forget. That’s the “lesson learned” phase of the story. But the “lesson learned” usually pertains to the subjective need of the protagonist. While a logline is about the objective goal.
So what this logline proposes is a character pursuing the wrong objective goal. Which is okay, depending on our theme, which I don’t know.
I know I’m sending mixed signals, here. Because I have a mixed reaction. As I said, I think it’s promising, but I as I don’t know the thematic target you’re aiming for, I, for one, remain ambivalent.
This feels solid to me. I smiled when I read it. It’s clearly a dark comedy. I get that, being terminally ill, he can now do all the things to his enemies he’s always wanted to. And the terrible frustration he must feel that once he works up this courage (or gets this freedom) to get his revenge everyone already dying.
Feels like the title should have some kind of twist on time running out. Because of course all the people he hates are dying before he can get to them so now he has to race to get his revenge before everybody’s dead. “Senior Circuit”, “Racing the Reaper”, “Past Due”.
So maybe that’s all that needs tweeking. You really want to hammer home the irony of a man with weeks to live having more life in him then those he wants to kill.