A thirty-something manchild, desperate to get his recently-dumped best friend laid, takes him to a party where his friend falls for a woman who only wants sex, whilst he falls in love for the first time… with his friend’s ex-fiance.
Impossible to follow due to pronoun overload and a multitude of characters…we can’t tell who wants what or is trying to do what for whom, who’s feeling what, who’s doing what action…all the commas don’t help either. It’s got to be clear and straightforward.
“While at a costume party, he falls for the girl who just dumped his best friend, a 30 something manchild must…” (Then tell us what he plans to do going forward)
I added, costume party so that he doesn’t come across as cold-hearted. in other words when he meets her and falls in love they are both in costume so he doesn’t know she is the girl who just dumped his best friend.
Because you won’t get many people pulling for a character who just starts dating the girl who just broke his best friend’s heart.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I agree with everyone’s points. I personally don’t think it’s a good logline – even as a working one. It’s very busy. (Which would make it hard to pitch and for someone to digest.)
Also – I put this exact logline up several months back and it got a vote.
Yet another reminder to stand by your ideas regardless of what people are telling you. The industry is subjective.