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thedarkhorseSamurai
A timid young woman, a former recluse, gets her dream job at a prestigious real estate agency and must compete with its cutthroat male agents.
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What’s at stake: her self-esteem. If she fails she goes back to being terrified of the world. Her goal: to feel comfortable in the world again. By staying and succeeding – it’s a personal win.
“…What?s at stake: her self-esteem…” – not enough. This sounds more like a courtesy jump aboard the agenda train than a story-worthy problem.
Now, before you lunge at the opportunity to write up a woke statement in support of a good cause… please read on.
The basic description of the main character is generic and lacks any identifying characteristics – “…woman…” basically describes half the human race.
The additional adjectives are vague at best – What does young mean? 20’s, 30’s, 40’s? It depends on the reader. Also, portraying a woman as timid not only paints her as a victim instead of a flawed character, but also puts her well and truly into the pool of cliche characters that have been done so many times in a plethora of stories.
If you truly want to empower women through storytelling, describe the main character as a flawed human being who finds the strength and means to overcome her flaw to become a better version of herself. This will not only make her story more interesting and commercial but also make her a good role model for other women.
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I’m thinking if there is a hook, it’s not working on me.? Not sure how “former recluse” is needed for the logline.? Why is she going to have a hard time dealing with her male counterparts?? Timidness explains enough, and I can surmise sexism is likely too.? But dealing with that is not enough to hook me into a story.? What more is she trying to accomplish, or what more is special about her situation?? Also, “prestigious” does make the real estate company seem better, so that’s good, and it being a real estate company does a good job at justifying the conflict.? So it’s a pretty solid premise… just not that interesting.? Looking at the previous comments, I see Nir brought up something similar as the first point, so I’m in agreement on that.? ?Personally though, and this might be just my lack of expertise… I see “timid” as a decent character flaw to work with.? I’d just focus on the stakes.
Okay. Thanks guys. I’ll think about this.
I don’t mean to shoehorn an agenda or anything. I just imagined a shy, sweet, soft spoken (yet flawed) young woman surrounded by testosterone-filled alpha males/veterans of their trade. (Two Days, One Night meets Glengarry Glen Ross.)
Her arc is from shy, sweet, emotionally fragile to feisty, courageous, etc. She gets fired in the end for sticking to her beliefs and principles and being authentic. She loses and wins because she very much has become comfortable in the world and defeated a lot of demons.
Her backstory: she married a fraudster who used and abused her, after a divorce she became a recluse and didn’t trust anyone. She was afraid of the world.