A wheelchair bound girl and her friends fend off zombies, whilst visiting a cabin when she discovers her friends murdered them – and she was next.
It seems as though unlike most zombie flicks, in this one the zombies are the good guys/gals. Therefore, especially for this genre, you would need to clarify where the danger for our hero will come from.
Who poses the greatest danger in this story? The college boys or the girl zombies?
>>The girl discovers that her friends killed these women and that she was meant to be their next victim.
I’m guesing this is the Big Reveal. Notmally, a logline shouldn’t’ give away the Big Reveal. However, if she discovers this no later than the midpoint, than it might be okay to include in the logline. But including it creates this other problem: the logline sets her up as the main character — and then the Big Reveal leaves me with the impression that she is not in jeopardy. She has nothing to worry about. It’s the guys who are in mortal danger — and deservedly so.
So where’s the suspense? What should the audience be worrying about, fear might happen to her? (It’s a horror flick: a stock feature of the genre is that the audience worries about the fate of the main character.)
Alas, I don’t see how Richiev’s revision solves the apparent problem of the emotional deceit/cheat. The protagonist is usually the character in whom the audience is most emotionally invested in, the character in a horror genre whom the audience should worry most about. Eventually the audience will find out that she was never in danger of being attacked and killed by the zombies, right? They were set up to worry about her for nothing.
What jeopardy do the zombies pose for her? What is her character flaw that the zombies are forcing her to confront?
I think it’s innate that these female zombies who were murdered are seeking revenge. I don’t think you need to mention it.
The twist that our heroine was going to be murdered next works.
You could potentially use the one above to write your thing.
But you will need a leaner, tighter one to market it.
A wheelchair bound student and her male friends fend off female zombies, whilst trapped in a cabin, but soon discovers her friends murdered them – and were planning to kill her next.
(A variation of the other one I did ha.)
That’s 30 words? I’ve kept in “male” and “female” for now. I’m not sure how much it’s needed.
Here is an attempt the uses dpg’s idea, that maybe the reader shouldn’t know the college boys are actually murderers and leave it as a big reveal for later.
“When she and her newfound college buddies are attacked by female zombies, a lonely wheelchair-bound student must find what caused the undead uprising, if she is to stop them and escape the isolated cabin in which they are staying.”
>>>To be true, the logline to Sixth Sense mentions that Bruce Willis’ character is a ghost.
The loglines I have seen for “The Sixth Sense say” say the psychologist is treating a troubled boy who sees ghosts. I haven’t see one that gives away the Big Reveal that the protagonist is a ghost. Not even the IMDB teaser is a spoiler giving away the Big Reveal.
At about what point in your plot (Midpoint? End of 2nd Act? Or…?) does she discover her “friends” murdered them – and she is next?