A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

I think you need a protagonist, and to start with them – who is the hero of your story, and what do they need? What is blocking them, and what does the antagonist work?

I’m not sure what the conspiracy means, or how they are made famous because of it. I’m not sure what the Chosen Decider is. The logline at the moment sounds like an outline of the world the story takes place in, but not the story of the protagonist and what he/she needs to do in the world – i.e. what is the protagonist’s goal, who or what is the antagonist and what is the inciting incident of the story?

If you post any changes to the logline as a comment or review in the post rather than changing the original post, it makes it easier to see what’s changed.

A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

I think the first part of the logline works better as you’re setting up the protagonist and the inciting incident (although it’s not clear what the conspiracy is – and does the English language *reveal* the conspiracy or is the conspiracy *contained* in the English language?). I don’t think you need ‘aspiring’ – ‘young’ covers it. The fact that he uses the conspiracy to become a star sounds like the set up of the story – or is him becoming a star the goal of the protagonist? (I would assume the latter, as discovering a conspiracy, then using it to become a star sounds like an entire story in itself, not a set up).

If becoming a star is the goal, then you need to make that clearer, and show how the antagonist is preventing it. At the moment, the second sentence of the logline seems unrelated to the first as it just sketches in a bit more about the world – but it doesn’t explain the strange powers. Is this the same power / conspiracy he/she uses to become a star?

I think this is stronger, but there’s still an issue with the timing – if he discovers the conspiracy, then presumably it takes a while for him to become a star? In essence, where does the film start? Is he a star already or has he just discovered the conspiracy, or is he just about to discover it? All three of those are different stories, with different stakes.

The second part of the logline is better as we now see the antagonistic force (the other celebrities), but what are the stakes? I wasn’t sure what ‘fate of the world’s largest fanbase’ means – it sounds like the world’s largest fanbase is threatened with death. Also, the stakes should belong to the protagonist, not the fanbase, or others. In what way does he compete with celebrities?