A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

A young aspiring musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He learns the rich and famous are given strange powers for their so called accomplishments.

I think the first part of the logline works better as you’re setting up the protagonist and the inciting incident (although it’s not clear what the conspiracy is – and does the English language *reveal* the conspiracy or is the conspiracy *contained* in the English language?). I don’t think you need ‘aspiring’ – ‘young’ covers it. The fact that he uses the conspiracy to become a star sounds like the set up of the story – or is him becoming a star the goal of the protagonist? (I would assume the latter, as discovering a conspiracy, then using it to become a star sounds like an entire story in itself, not a set up).

If becoming a star is the goal, then you need to make that clearer, and show how the antagonist is preventing it. At the moment, the second sentence of the logline seems unrelated to the first as it just sketches in a bit more about the world – but it doesn’t explain the strange powers. Is this the same power / conspiracy he/she uses to become a star?

UPDATED LOGLINE (2):

A young musician discovers that the English language reveals a conspiracy, which he utilizes to make himself a star. He competes with other celebrities, vying for power over the fate of the world’s largest fanbase.

I think this is stronger, but there’s still an issue with the timing – if he discovers the conspiracy, then presumably it takes a while for him to become a star? In essence, where does the film start? Is he a star already or has he just discovered the conspiracy, or is he just about to discover it? All three of those are different stories, with different stakes.

The second part of the logline is better as we now see the antagonistic force (the other celebrities), but what are the stakes? I wasn’t sure what ‘fate of the world’s largest fanbase’ means – it sounds like the world’s largest fanbase is threatened with death. Also, the stakes should belong to the protagonist, not the fanbase, or others. In what way does he compete with celebrities?

“When he discovers the English language hides a secret which gives those who discover it, power; a young musician uses that power to compete for fame and fortune against the others who have discovered the game.”

Lempicka asks good questions and Richiev’s version seems to clarify.  But I’m not sure how many people will lay out $15 for a ticket to watch a protagonist pursue an utterly selfish goal. Is that all that’s at stake, his own glory, his own ego gratification?  Am I missing something?

Just saying and asking.

Is it a black comedy?

I’d suggest the following, shorter:

“Uncovering a conspiracy hidden within the English language, a young musician becomes a star and enters the rich and famous’ secret battle for power over the fate of the world’s largest fanbase.”

I think this sounds intriguing, but I think you need to be more specific in the logline, especially in the first sentence. I think you could lose the second sentence unless it’s key to the story. I would change the word ‘aspiring’ to something more descriptive and against-type, as all young musicians are ‘aspiring’ in some way. What is the quirk in the English language?

I think you need a protagonist, and to start with them – who is the hero of your story, and what do they need? What is blocking them, and what does the antagonist work?

I’m not sure what the conspiracy means, or how they are made famous because of it. I’m not sure what the Chosen Decider is. The logline at the moment sounds like an outline of the world the story takes place in, but not the story of the protagonist and what he/she needs to do in the world – i.e. what is the protagonist’s goal, who or what is the antagonist and what is the inciting incident of the story?

If you post any changes to the logline as a comment or review in the post rather than changing the original post, it makes it easier to see what’s changed.

UPDATED LOGLINE (1):

Utilizing a conspiracy found in all languages, there are words inside of words, celebrities are made famous. All of them yearn to become the richest and most influential, and achieve the title of Chosen Decider.

LOGLINE UPDATE #3:

A hip-hop musician contends in a friendly competition between celebrities, over who will collect eight billion fans first and gain enough supernatural power to bring death to every one of their followers.