A young girl, orphaned by cholera struggles, to stay out of the hands of the man who abused her. She dons boy’s clothes to flee West in search of a new family.
Have one objective goal: to get away from him. It’s more urgent.
A new family – while great – is a subjective goal which doesn’t stem from the Inciting incident.
When evading her abuser becomes a nightmare, a young orphan flees West to seek help.
Add what’s stopping her from reaching the cops or the crowd.
I like the sound of this but I’m not sure we need to know that she’s been orphaned by cholera. It has no bearing on the story – calling her an orphan is all you need. Why does she need to don boy’s clothes? If she’s fleeing anyway, why the disguise? If she’s being pursued by this guy it would make more sense but we need to get that connection.
As variable pointed out, the goal and the inciting incident do not quite match up. Maybe change the inciting incident to her struggling to escape her abusive family – seeking a new family is then an acceptable goal. It’s then more understandable why the family would pursue her and the disguise would be more appropriate.
Hope this helps.
The others make good points. I sense a compelling story of a young girl who must undergo a harrowing journey to escape a dangerous situation and find sanctuary and a new life elsewhere. But before making suggestions on how to polish and focus the logline I would like to know more information. Like: How old is she? What is the time setting for the story? Where specifically is she fleeing from? Does she start out with a specific destination in mind?
Yes- historical time and place but help greatly and may explain why she dons boys clothes – to be a sailor? a soldier? apprenticeship?
How young is the girl? How does being female become an obstacle?
Who is the abuser – family? priest? cop? Why would he look for her? To sell her? To keep her?