A young hedonistic girl abandoned in an orphanage by her parents and in bitterness of soul, finally found love when she marries a highly respected and handsome church deacon only to discover his unorthodox and authoritative behavior hidden from the church. She is now in the fight of her life to free herself and her children once and for all from a lifelong torment a second time.ORA Young hedonistic girl finally found love when she marries a highly respected deacon only to discover his unorthodox behavior. Now in the fight for her life, she struggles to free herself a second time from a life of torment.
I agree with Richiev.
I’d like to think that she didn’t find love when she married this guy – surely she fell in love with him first and then decided to marry him?
For us to appreciate how his unorthodox behaviour could make her have to fight for her life you need to be more specific about that side of the story. The discovery of this behaviour is the inciting incident that sets up her goal of trying to escape.
Your second version is better simply because it gives us pretty much all of the information we need in half the word count. However it omits the information that makes us understand why this is the second time she has to free herself from a life of torment. Change that bit and check out the formula page for help with formatting and I don’t think this will be too far off. I would consider changing “hedonistic” though. I think it would be better to suggest that she’s had a difficult life and not by choice. Hedonism is a lifestyle choice. For her emotional story to be its strongest, she needs to think that she’s broken free of that lifestyle when she falls in love with this “stand up guy” only to have the world come crashing down when she makes the discovery (whatever that is).
Hope this helps.