A young impressionable man is called by a manipulative enchantress to rule a kingdom until he finds out how the previous ruler died and investigates everyone, thinking how he might be next and what it would mean for the kingdom if he dies.

Samurai Posted on February 20, 2019 in Thriller.
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3 Review(s)

This one is kind of wordy in my opinion. Help on consolidating it, please.

Samurai Answered on February 20, 2019.
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How about this:

After discovering the previous ruler was murdered, a young impressionable man called by a manipulative enchantress to rule a kingdom must launch an investigation and avoid being the next casualty.

Logliner Answered on February 20, 2019.

I actually like it. Thank you, gmffr. It’s an awesome piece, but the detection I’m see is between “kingdom” and “must”.  The sentence doesn’t flow very well. I take there is something like “which he” or “where he” or something “he” must launch an investigation, giving us the insight that is the one doing it, which was also suppose to be implied on the first one. Richiev, thoughts?

on February 20, 2019.
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I agree with gmffr. The goal would be the lead character trying to avoid being the next casualty, not him, thinking about how his death might affect everyone.

Singularity Answered on February 20, 2019.
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