A young man claiming to be the estranged nephew of a hardworking, devote family woman is welcomed into her family’s home and lives. When a series of burglaries and drug abuse plague the neighborhood they live in, it is seemingly connected to him. Now, the matriarch must choose between defending her extended family or her responsibility to the community.
First of all, at 59 words, the entry is way too long. Also, it’s not clear who the protagonist is, the “nephew” or the matriarch. If the main character is the matriarch, her role is buried in the last sentence.
In the age of the internet, more than ever, show business power brokers don’t have the cognitive patience to read long loglines. Nor the cognitive patience to decode loglines of any length for the protagonist and the plot. The protagonist and the plot need to be clearly and quickly defined.
>>>must choose between
Logline are not about a character having to choose between 2 options. Loglines are about a specific choice made that commits the character to achieving a singular, specific objective goal.
So what is the inciting incident? Who is the protagonist? And what is the protagonist’s objective goal?