A man looks for how his brother died, only to find it in the deadliest game known to man, a deadly version of soccer, which he plans to win become unstable when he finds the truth about his brother. (I revised)
A couple tips on writing: This is General writing advice for everyone, things that help me write more descriptive.
I find that some words: Look, Walk and words that end in ‘ing should usually be changed.
For instance, a man wouldn’t walk down the street, he would stroll, strut, meander or slouch down the street. (Because walk has no personality, but if someone ‘struts’ you get a glimpse of who they are)
You say a young man looks for how his brother dies, however instead of ‘looks’, I would use the word ‘investigates’: “A young man investigates his brother’s death.” (More precise)
Also, when you write a script, always get rid of as many words that end in ‘ing as possible.
Don’t write, “a man is ‘running’ down the street,” you would say “a man ‘runs‘ down the street. These words are usually preceded by the word ‘is’ or ‘are’ and can be searched very easily.
Finally, when you write, find ways to give each individual character their own personality.
When it comes to dialog, a reader should know which character says which line, even if they are not told.
One way to do this is with greetings and farewells. If a character says “Tootles” instead of goodbye, that shows the reader something about their personality. If a character greets people with ‘sup’ or ‘hey bro’ that also tells you something about them.
Does a character drive a ‘car’? No. They limp along in a beat-up Chevy or maybe they race down the street a ruby red Ferrari.
Does a character wear a shirt? No, they would put on a black t-shirt or a blue polo shirt, maybe a brown flannel shirt with long sleeves.
And remember, some of this would be done before you write your script. Like figuring out how each character says hello and goodbye. This is done at character creation.
Other things would be done after the first draft is finished, such as, hit CTL F and search for ‘ing’ then replace the words which end in ‘ing with active verbs. (Don’t think about ‘ing’ words while you write, just replace them as part of your re-write (2nd draft)
Anyway, this advice is for everyone on the site, but it seemed like a good place to put it.
Hope this helps!
P.S. Never use the word ‘young’ 🙂 (Not a never, never, just a 90% never)
You should make the lead character (The brother) a soccer player who has vowed never to play soccer again.
He was a rising star who had a powerful kick.
But during a game he kicked the ball so hard, it killed an opposing player.
Now years later, down and out he hears about his younger brother’s death and the deadly underground soccer league.
Reluctantly, for the sake of his brother, he plays soccer one last time to get revenge on the team that killed his brother.
Agreed with all the above.
I’ll add that the one most important story element a logline must include (not imply) is a goal – what is your main character’s goal? Revenge? Stop the deadly game? Save the other players from a similar fate? Whatever it is, you need to describe it in the logline.