A young man who’s a first generation Mexican-American citizen falls in love with a beautiful Syrian refugee, their love Must overcome her strict Muslim family and all the cultural gaps between their two worlds…
A man, 26 who’s a first generation Mexican-American citizen falls in love with a beautiful Syrian refugee, their love Must overcome her strict Muslim family and all the cultural gaps that exist between their two worlds…
The good news is, I can tell what the story is about from reading the logline (That isn’t true of every logline I read on this site)
Where this logline could improve:
first: I would drop the leads age from the logline, instead I would add an adjective to give us a glimpse of the leads character.
Second: I think the weakest part of the logline is when you say “Must overcome” I am not sure what that means in practical terms. Does it mean they must endure, or does it mean they have a course of action to change the Muslim fathers mind? If it’s the latter you should tell us how they plan on changing the fathers mind, (How they must overcome) instead of the more vague, that they just, ‘must overcome’
However I do believe this logline is close to what you want. Whatever advice you get, think small changes, not a complete re-write.
Looks like an interesting story.
Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Question: am I able to edit the post or do I have to post a new one (new to this site)
Please post as a revised logline in the thread of this one. It helps to maintain the continuity of discussion.
Posting a new logline helps others see the evolution of your logline. They can see the starting point and how it has changed and improved.
It’s Rome & Juliet set in the USA in the 21st century.
I suggest it would strengthen dramatic tension of the story if he was undocumented. So there is always hanging over him and his family the threat of being deported. And her parents, when they discover the affair, could precipitate that crisis by turning him in.
Which would be the modern day equivalent of Romeo being banished from Verona. Only the stakes are higher because not only is he deported but so is his family — it’s a death sentence for his love and his family’s hopes and dreams.
In fact, if you want to amp up the tension even more, make his family undocumented Mexicans who fled to the US from the civil strife and gang wars of Mexican drug cartels. So being deported would also a literal death sentence for him and the family.
fwiw
Wow, thanks. Those are some good points and good possibilities.
I think the love story with the cultural gap cliche won’t be enough for a whole feature these days. Suggest even another antagonistic character or force introduced along with the culture divide. I mean, cultures co-exist all the time these days and frankly, the premise is getting a wee old, imo.
“There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened.” — Willa Cather
IOW: it’s timeless.
