A young man with a cursed illness leaves his hometown and embarks on a dangerous journey that will lead him to the healing of the King of a lost city without knowing that his former prince is looking for him to make him a generous offer.

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    Penpusher Posted on May 14, 2020 in Fantasy.
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      This reads more like a synopsis rather than a logline.

      Some points:

      • What does the cursed illness have to do with his dangerous journey and the king?
      • What is his actual goal in this story? The healing of the king? Or finding the prince? I dont understand.
      • The wording “a generous offer” is too vague. Swap it with something dangerous or surprising like “…without knowing that his former prince is close on his heels.”
      Mentor Answered on May 14, 2020.
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        As written, this is way too confusing

        Singularity Answered on May 16, 2020.

        Thanks for your comment, I hope I can write more clearly next time.

        on May 19, 2020.
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          Lots of detail. Try to streamline it some.

          I would focus  more on who your main character is as an individual. “A young man  cured of an illness” kind of explains WHAT your character is, but we don’t get a sense of what his journey will be or what obstacles he’ll face, not to mention we don’t know or can’t infer how his past illness ties into the story yet.

          Penpusher Answered 1 week ago.
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