After a failed ritual to resurrect their mother severely damages their bodies, two young alchemists search for the mythical Philosopher’s Stone to restore themselves.

Dkpough1 Summitry Asked on December 18, 2018 in Examples.

24 words.
A logline for “Fullmetal Alchemist”, specifically, the 2009 anime series “Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood.” I recommend both anime series, though I prefer Brotherhood, which is available for free(with ads) through Crunchyroll.

Anyway, the logline is modeled after the IMDb blurb for the original series, “Fullmetal Alchemist” (2003) which is “When a failed alchemical ritual leaves brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric with severely damaged bodies, they begin searching for the one thing that can save them; the fabled philosopher’s stone.”

I think the logline I posted could be reworded.

on December 18, 2018.

Version 2: After being disfigured by a ritual to resurrect their mother, two young alchemists must find the mythical Philosopher’s Stone to restore themselves. (22 words)

on December 18, 2018.
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2 Review(s)

Best to avoid the IMDB blurbs altogether, these are often taglines and could very well be written by fans, not professionals.

As a whole, your logline reads well, but the one issue is that they cause the inciting incident to affect themselves. A rule of thumb worth remembering is that most of the best inciting incidents are done to, not by, the main character. Also, their goal would be to find, not search for the stone.

So, it might read better (and may have worked better in the series) if the logline would be written as:
After a being disfigured by a resurrection ritual, two brother alchemists must find the mythical philosopher’s stone to restore themselves.

Nir Shelter Singularity Reviewed on December 18, 2018.

“Best to avoid the IMDB blurbs altogether, these are often taglines and could very well be written by fans, not professionals.”

Normally I would, but this particular one was pretty similar to what I would have come up with anyway.

“they cause the inciting incident to affect themselves.”

They do perform the ritual, but the affect it has on them is something completely out their control. The ritual, dubbed ‘Human Transmutation’ is taboo among alchemists for this reason.
Essentially, performing the ritual itself isn’t the inciting incident, it’s the loss of their bodies, which is caused by Truth. basically the god of the series as punishment for the ritual.

“may have worked better in the series”

A moot point. “Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood” is one of the most critically acclaimed and popular anime and television series ever. The manga and 2003 series are also critically acclaimed.

I like your version, but I think “two brother alchemists” sounds a bit awkward. I think it might work to leave the mother in, since the logline is still under 25 words:

After being disfigured by a ritual to resurrect their mother, two young alchemists must find the mythical Philosopher’s Stone to restore themselves. (22 words)

on December 18, 2018.
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One of the things Nir’s logline example solves is the problem of having two goals in your logline. First, your characters want to resurrect their mother. A strong goal. Then once they are hurt they completely abandon their dead mother in order to help themselves. Kind of a selfish goal.

By just saying, they are disfigured by a resurrection spell and leaving out the dead mother, it helps focus the logline on the actual problem.

Honestly, from a story standpoint, it would be better if after failing to resurrect their mother, the two brothers realize they need to find the philosophers stone to complete the ritual and save their mother.

Richiev Singularity Reviewed on December 19, 2018.

Hmm, an interesting take.

” having two goals in your logline. ”

I suppose that you’re right that the goal of reviving their mother is technically present, but it’s not the objective goal of the series. I think that even if you remove specifying that it’s their mother they’re attempting to resurrect, the logline would still be referencing a goal because they are trying to resurrect someone even if you don’t identify who.

“Then once they are hurt they completely abandon their dead mother in order to help themselves. Kind of a selfish goal.”

I mentioned in my post to Nir Shelter that Human Transmutation is forbidden for a reason. Edward and Alphonse learn their lesson after Ed loses his leg and Alphonse loses his entire physical body.(Ed also sacrifices his arm to bind Alphonse’s soul to a suit of armor).
It is made very clear in the series that death is permanent. A theme of the series, and I suppose alchemy in general is: ‘To obtain, something of equal value must be lost.” Also known as Equivalent Exchange. No Philosopher’s Stone can revive their mother– nothing a human is capable of can. But they can restore their still living bodies.

“Honestly, from a story standpoint, it would be better if after failing to resurrect their mother, the two brothers realize they need to find the philosophers stone to complete the ritual and save their mother.”

I touched on this is previously: no matter what they do, they can’t resurrect her.
This is also a moot point. Both series were produced, redubbed, and have been completed for years, so I can only speak to the quality of what was produced, not the quality of something that could have been differently.

As I said in my original comment, I highly recommend both series, they offer a lot to discuss and think about. ( I recommend watching the 2003 version first.)

on December 19, 2018.

Got it, I missed that it was in the ‘examples’.

on December 19, 2018.
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