After a heated fallout with her former band mate, a determined singer signs a deal with a ruthless CEO unknowingly in the gangster lifestyle, who fills her head with promises and solo stardom, as she forms a greed dictated rivalry with her formal partner that culminates to tragedy.

    Logliner Posted on March 16, 2020 in Drama.
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    4 Review(s)

      Hi Keymiser,

      To me your logline reads more like a complete rundown of the film – you’ve kind of given us a step by step overview. The rivalry seems the most interesting part of the story for me.

      • “after a heated fallout” – either this happened years previously or both members in this band are already famous (just not as soloists)?  Or are we seeing an epic tale spanning years like A Star is Born?
      • I feel
      • The CEO could be dealt with as simply as something like ‘corrupt’ or ‘ruthless’.  As Deborah_b says, “let the suspense unfold”.  Is she okay that her fame has come from corrupt means or is this something she despises?
      • Is this a case of ‘be careful what you wish for’?

      I’d recommend thinking about famous rivalries and thinking how you want to pitch your tale.  E.g. When Geri left The Spice Girls,  Christina and Brittney, or even Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan – which was a truly tragic tale on so many levels.

      Regards
      Trix

      Mentor Answered on March 16, 2020.

      Good point Trix, and you and a another person said the rivarly route is mroe appealing, and I can agree…and I think i can do something cool with that just like you said, taking inspiration from rivarlys in the music industry similar to Britney and Christina etc. Something Im gone continue to fush out and hopefully give a better clear logline for what I want…Thanks so much for the feedback.

      on March 17, 2020.

      You’re very welcome – people love a good rivalry tale… especially in showbiz!  I would definitely keep working on this idea 😉

      on March 19, 2020.
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        Cool concept.

        You’ve got some nice specifics. Maybe too many. 😉

        I’d start with your protagonist and give her one goal. I feel like she’s got 2 goals here: a) success (I figure it’s ‘success’, since she’s determined in some way) and b) rivalry with her former bandmate.

        So, start with ‘A determined singer must GOAL or else STAKES’.

        Or: ‘A singer’s rivalry with her former bandmate leads to tragedy when SHE DOES SOMETHING TERRIBLE’.

        The theme sounds like it might be greed versus humanity, or similar? The theme itself might guide which goal you choose. And so will the tragedy — if it’s at the start of the story, then it might be an inciting incident, and worth mentioning. If at the end, then you might not want to mention it in your logline — let the suspense unfold as it may. 🙂

        Keep us posted!

        Samurai Answered on March 16, 2020.

        Glad you think so Deborah, yeah that make sense, as I reread it does seem like she does have two goals and two obstacles, i have a bad habit doing that lol, so I think i will focus on the rivarly more, and as for the tragedy it happens in end of the story for some reason I thought it wouldnt matter cause the audience doesn’t know who the protagonist or her bandmate. But i can see its still too much information regardless, and that was a mistake as the suspense should be questioning itself.

         

        This is VERY useful information, I’m gone go back to drawing board and take key in everything you said, thanks so very much! Def will keep posted

        on March 17, 2020.

        Cool, cool.

        Yeah, I read somewhere recently that ‘a logline is meant to SELL the story, not TELL the story’. Sounds like you’re on the right track with your choices.

        Looking forward to the next version (and the movie). 🙂

        on March 17, 2020.
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          You need to pare down the premise to find the center of your story. For example, the inciting incident is probably not the singer’s fallout with her old band, but the signing of the contract with the mobster, who by the way will be either a “promoter” or a “producer” and, for an unknown singer, definitely not a CEO.  As for the tragedy, be more specific. Different people have different understanding of what constitutes a tragedy. Did the promoter have the ambitious singer’s competitor/friend murdered to smooth the way for her rise? Or does the promoter pump her full will drugs during her rise and leaves her in the gutter, having stolen all her money?

          Deborah_b suggest concentrating on the rivalry. If you want to go that route, you need two strong characters. The singer you have as the MC and one in the old band. In that case, the promoter’s role will be reduced and could probably be left out of the logline in favor of some information about the rival.

          Mentor Answered on March 17, 2020.

          Good points, I will take key note in all this and answer these questions its very helpful!! Thanks for the feedback I appreciate it tons.

          on March 17, 2020.
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            Feels too long and clustered.

            Logliner Answered on March 16, 2020.

            Agree – too long. My 2 cents….I think you could go through and just start striking out words…for example “heated” and “former” just in the first line. It’s not clear why it’s important the CEO is a gangster in order to fill her head with promises of stardom? Also, if the singer is the protagonist and we want her to get revenge, then how was she so wronged to begin with…why are we rooting for her?

            on March 16, 2020.

            Good points, see she doesn’t know he’s a corrupted CEO like he a business man but very lethal, at the same time. crooked.

            But more importantly that you right I can see it doesn’t make sense and I keep forgetting what make us want to root for the main character…something I always struggle gasping smh thanks for the advice.

            on March 16, 2020.
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