After a heated fallout with her former band mate, a determined singer signs a deal with a ruthless CEO unknowingly in the gangster lifestyle, who fills her head with promises and solo stardom, as she forms a greed dictated rivalry with her formal partner that culminates to tragedy.
To me your logline reads more like a complete rundown of the film – you’ve kind of given us a step by step overview. The rivalry seems the most interesting part of the story for me.
- “after a heated fallout” – either this happened years previously or both members in this band are already famous (just not as soloists)? Or are we seeing an epic tale spanning years like A Star is Born?
- I feel
- The CEO could be dealt with as simply as something like ‘corrupt’ or ‘ruthless’. As Deborah_b says, “let the suspense unfold”. Is she okay that her fame has come from corrupt means or is this something she despises?
- Is this a case of ‘be careful what you wish for’?
I’d recommend thinking about famous rivalries and thinking how you want to pitch your tale. E.g. When Geri left The Spice Girls, Christina and Brittney, or even Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan – which was a truly tragic tale on so many levels.
You’ve got some nice specifics. Maybe too many. 😉
I’d start with your protagonist and give her one goal. I feel like she’s got 2 goals here: a) success (I figure it’s ‘success’, since she’s determined in some way) and b) rivalry with her former bandmate.
So, start with ‘A determined singer must GOAL or else STAKES’.
Or: ‘A singer’s rivalry with her former bandmate leads to tragedy when SHE DOES SOMETHING TERRIBLE’.
The theme sounds like it might be greed versus humanity, or similar? The theme itself might guide which goal you choose. And so will the tragedy — if it’s at the start of the story, then it might be an inciting incident, and worth mentioning. If at the end, then you might not want to mention it in your logline — let the suspense unfold as it may. 🙂
Keep us posted!
You need to pare down the premise to find the center of your story. For example, the inciting incident is probably not the singer’s fallout with her old band, but the signing of the contract with the mobster, who by the way will be either a “promoter” or a “producer” and, for an unknown singer, definitely not a CEO. As for the tragedy, be more specific. Different people have different understanding of what constitutes a tragedy. Did the promoter have the ambitious singer’s competitor/friend murdered to smooth the way for her rise? Or does the promoter pump her full will drugs during her rise and leaves her in the gutter, having stolen all her money?
Deborah_b suggest concentrating on the rivalry. If you want to go that route, you need two strong characters. The singer you have as the MC and one in the old band. In that case, the promoter’s role will be reduced and could probably be left out of the logline in favor of some information about the rival.