After a homeless young man, who thinks he brings a misfortune whenever he is, meets his idol and becomes a member of a group with super-powered people, called Core-holders, he starts thinking that this is turnaround in his life. Its awesome, its everything he ever wanted and… Core-holders start mysteriously dying. Of course.
Since you asked there are several grammar and expression errors such as:
“…who thinks he brings a misfortune whenever he is…” I think you meant wherever (unless this is a time travel story) he is and should be; ‘…who thinks he brings misfortune wherever he is…’.
“…becomes a member of a group with super-powered people…” should read; ‘…a group of super powered people…’ I would suggest changing it further to ‘…a group of super heroes…’.
“…he starts thinking that this is turnaround in his life…” should read; ‘…he thinks this is a turning point in his life…’
sentence construct appears flawed as well, for example the first sentence contains too many clauses and needs to be split in to two separate sentences. The first should describe his character and the second what he does.
However, from a concept perspective the logline as whole fails to describe a clear enough character (despite its many words) and lacks appropriate flaws and motivations. The entire first sentence is redundant and could be replaced with shorter descriptions.
Richiev’s re draft is much better but lacks a definition of the group he joins. Perhaps instead of naming the group best to describe them i.e:
When the leader of a super hero group is killed, its newest member, a former homeless man with the power to (Whatever his power is) must (Do this thing) if he’s to save his team.
Hope this helps.
This was a huge help, thank you a lot!
Here is my thing- I’m working from outline, and although I can change a lot of it, I want to stick to the core of the story. If I should summarize that story in some kind of logline, it would be like this:
After a strongest Core-holder- a cheerful heroin, is condemned by law for execution , an obsessed by her comic-book fanboy is willing to do anything to spare her from such fate, even if it means to eliminate all of the other core-holders and become a villain only she could defeat.
Here are my issues- there is no short way to describe what Core-holders are -which is a small group of people enhanced by mysterious artifacts (Cores), controlled by government, and used as energy source
-the fact that main character is a killer, should be a big reveal in the story (and this one is ruining me the most)
-it is a bit like a buddy-cop story where main character(the killer) and the strongest Core-holder(that cheerful heroin) share most of the screen time (or page space?) which makes it SO hard to distinct which one is main character.
-and I can’t make Core-holders just a superheroes, the way the Cores work is a key to climax of the story
As my task is to write a script out of this, I want my logline to be at least OK, and now I see how horrid the logline I posted is (sorry!). I tried to exploit one layer of the story as a irony factor of the logline.
I know this is not scriptwriting forum, but bad logline=bad script, and for now I’m bit helpless.
OK, I end this rant here.
For any smallest advice- BIG thank you!
And again, I hope this is readable.
>>there is no short way to describe what Core-holders are
That’s a potentially fatal problem with your concept. Core-holders are central to your story. Anyone who reads your logline needs to be able to understand what differentiates them from the crowd of other characters in other films with ultra or super powers.
Since I, for one, have no clear idea what they are either, I am at a loss as to what to suggest. Other than, first and foremost, come up with a sharply focused and succinct definition of what a Core-holder is/does.