After a lonely orphan discovers she belongs to an almost-extinct race that guards the source of all life, she must fight to protect mankind from the only other of her people, her parents killer.
There appears to be unrelated facts here.
Lonely orphan. Source of life. Parent’s killer.
There is no mechanism here. Just elements. We also need a goal and some obstacles. We don’t even know how this is going to play out.
A woman is in a fight for her life with a member of her own ancient race who wants to destroy the very thing that allows life to exist.
I’m confused on one point: the almost extinct species guards the source of life, and yet the only ones left are killers? How about:
When a lonely orphan discovers she belongs to an almost-extinct race, she must prevent those of her kind who remain from destroying humanity.
I don’t think what sets the story in motion is the discovery that she belongs to the ancient race. What sets the story in motion would be the event that puts all humanity in danger.
What does the ‘killer’ do at the beginning of the story that causes the lead to take action? How specifically do you show the danger to mankind on screen or at the least get across the danger to the reader?
I don’t really know how to critique. So I just find the meaning in what’s written as I understand it.
An orphan finds that she belongs to a race of people who are nearly extinct. In finding her place means ,she is now the guardian of humanity and must find the killer who also killed her parents.