After a meek high-school junior is thrown out of her house by her authoritarian mother, she unwittingly gets drawn into drugs and human trafficking, and struggles at every turn to survive in this dangerous underworld.
RichGold1557Penpusher
After a meek high-school junior is thrown out of her house by her authoritarian mother, she unwittingly gets drawn into drugs and human trafficking, and struggles at every turn to survive in this dangerous underworld.
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I like the premise. I think it’s good.
However, Protagonists are Proactive… but in your story, things happen to your lead character.
In other words, the logline seems to be missing the lead character’s goal?
Adding the vital story element of a ‘goal’ to the logline will improve it greatly.
Is the main obstacle (antagonist) for the protagonist the “dangerous underworld?” Seems general /non descriptive and fails to create an alluring picture for me. Loglines should encapsulate the heart of the film, so the listener best sees and gets it.
How does she get drawn into drugs and human trafficking? To me, that’s a leap from being a high-school junior.
In the inciting incident you set up the mother as the antagonist, but the goal is unrelated – to survive the criminal underworld. I’d consider revising the inciting incident to relate to the drugs and human trafficking. Or the goal to be something to do with her mother.
As Richiev said, survival is not a goal. What does she actually want to achieve?
Thanks for all of your comments, they illustrate the difficulty in creating loglines.