After a timid young adult is saved from armed assailants by a beautiful vampire, he is manipulated and trained by her coven to track down his elusive uncle: the de facto leader of the vampire hunters.
Alas, I have some issues with the premise.
First of all the protagonist is not motivated — he’s manipulated. It’s not his idea to track down his uncle. The idea is the vampires. So he’s more of a puppet than a protagonist.
And the vampires have clear stakes, it’s a life or death issue for them. But what are the life or death stakes for him? What skin does he have in the game? Why MUST he find his uncle?
And why should we, the movie audience, root for the vampires to succeed (through him)? What makes the relatable to us mere mortals, whose blood they suck? Who are pursuing their objective goal by manipulation, not honest persuasion, not by appealing to a higher universal ethos, to a greater good.
I agree with dpg, the timid, manipulated, nephew doesn’t really seem like he’s the lead character.
“Seeking revenge on the man who kills her kind, a seductive vampire seduces the vampire hunter’s annoying nephew in order to track down and stop the ruthless monster killer.”
I think Richiev’s rewrite is an improvement over the original logline in that it correctly puts the seductive vampire in the driver’s seat of the plot.
But then she seems to subcontract the mission of accomplishing the objective goal to the nephew. I believe that a defining characteristic of the protagonist in a plot is that it she is the character tasked with the dirty, difficult task of carrying out the mission. The nephew, in this case, is only a supporting character, a weak-minded dupe at that.
I find that your character goals and motivations are not properly defined.
– Between the nephew and the vampire, who is the main protagonist?
– Does the nephew know that his uncle was the one who sent the assassins?
– Why does his uncle want to kill him?
I think that the nephew and the vampire fall in love first and then is caught in between when his uncle sends killers to kill the vampire.
Thank you for the feedback.
The use of the word “manipulate” was a failed attempt to show a similarity to the movie “Wanted”. I did not mean that he just goes through the motions of the story with no agency.
His uncle sent the armed assailants to kill him. His stakes and motivation are at first survival.
The timid nephew and beautiful vampire are both main characters. The nephew is slightly more main.
3rd Revision (edit to fix typos)
After a timid young adult, ignorant to the supernatural, is saved by a beautiful vampire from an attack orchestrated by his uncle attempting to eliminate opposition to his rule, they work together to track down and kill his newfound relative: the de facto leader of the Vampire Hunters before they themselves are killed.