After a young talented street musician who suffers from stage fright is moving to New York City and wanting to realize his dream of a breakthrough as a band with his brother, he falls into the hands of a greedy music producer who promises the big deal, but forces him to decide between a successful career as a solo artist or an unknown band life with his brother.

    Music Drama

    Mentor Posted on May 28, 2015 in Public.
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    9 Review(s)

      very important: rewrite it and keep it under 40 words.

      I would avoid the “stage fright” because it’s not coherent or directly relevant about what follows.
      Try to make it clear what is the inciting event: moving to the big city is not strong enough in my opinion; maybe the offer from the greed producer?

      Mentor Answered on May 28, 2015.
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        What has happened to this logline? It’s back to where it was when you first submitted it.

        Start with the event that sets the main character into action (you’ve got like, four) and then end with the decision he has made rather than leaving the choice up in the air, as this weakens that character pushing him along rather than having him lead the story…

        “After falling into the hands of a greedy producer, a very talented street performer must break his contract when he realises his dream of joining his brother’s band…”

        Or something like that, I don’t effing know, it’s your story – that’s 28 word by the way…

        Logliner Answered on May 29, 2015.
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          Thank you for your help!
          I really struggle with this logline and I don’t know why.

          Could you give me a short review about these two examples and tell me which of them is more suitable?

          “After a young talented street musician is falling into the hands of a greedy music investor, he gets the opportunity to start a successful solo career, but he has to make a decision between the money and the breakthrough as a band with his brother.”

          “After a young talented street musician is falling into the hands of a greedy music investor, he gets the opportunity to start a successful solo career, but his brother gives him the choice between the famous life and their real passion together as a band.”

          Mentor Answered on May 29, 2015.
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            First of all, I have a problem with the “greedy music investor”. Given that the Internet has gutted the profits of the music industry, what “greedy investor” would want to risk his money in the music business? Maybe a “greedy and stupid investor” would but…

            And how does a busker “fall into the hands” of such an “investor”. Or is it more accurate to say the investor-promoter makes him an offer too tempting to refuse? (And also too good to be true?)

            But more germane to the logline, when does the musician come to the cross-roads? When in the trajectory of the story is he forced to make the choice between a solo career or staying with his brother? At the end of Act 1 or…?

            Singularity Answered on May 29, 2015.
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              In addition to the above comments there is a fundamental problem with the concept as the stakes are not clear.

              How does he know he will be famous? No one in their right mind would assume this, especially in the music industry, the concept needs a definitive event that makes it clear he will be famous.

              That said, even if you find a perfect event that establishes beyond doubt that the MC is about to be the next Lord and given the choice he has to make it is a no brainer. Become famous make a tone of money then setup a band with his brother this is not a dilemma rather a career strategy at best.
              How is this a choice between the lesser of two evils?
              How is this all together a choice…?

              Hope this helps.

              Singularity Answered on May 29, 2015.
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                The second one is slightly better (because I don’t like “breakthrough”: they can’t know they would breakthrough). Anyway, it’s much much better than the first very long first draft.

                I think now the problem is to include in the logline the ‘fuel’ of the story. When you talk about a “choice” is a matter of seconds, it can’t be the ‘fuel’ for a movie. If the brother or the producer put the main character in face of a choice, in a couple of seconds it’s all over (yes/no). I understand that you want a character who must grow and struggle to understand what is the correct choice but we can’t see this from the logline. Moreover, the goal of the main character is not clear enough. I see a street musician as someone who is very happy to have small money to end his day (I’m sorry this is what I see when you say street musician). So, what is the goal of the main character? To become a music star? This must be clear in the logline. Think about internal (money/family)conflict and and external (what it is?) conflict.
                Once you understand what is the real goal of the MC, the rest will be clear and clean too. If he really wants to be a star, then the brother is the antagonist. Or maybe he dreams about being a star but he will learn that he will have to sacrifice his family and deal with corrupted people.

                Anyway it seems to me that this movie is a ‘slice of life’ and it’s difficult to write a compelling logline for this genre.

                Good luck!

                Mentor Answered on May 29, 2015.
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                  First of all thanks everyone for your comments and thoughts about this logline. It means a lot to me!

                  Let me just say: The story takes place in 1998, so there was no internet music industry like today.
                  I think that’s very important to mention. Maybe I should put it into the logline.

                  Second point: The internal conflict from the Mc is that he has childhood traumas, because his father used to beat him as a little child. After getting on stage on his high school prom he looked too long in the eyes of his girlfriend and screw up his live appearance. Since this day this event keeps him from
                  being able to perform in front of large audiences.
                  Therefore he must overcome his stage fright.

                  Third point: Since their childhood the two boys want to start a band and the reason for the MC to launch a solo career is that he wants to prove his father that he is able to be successful.

                  It’s very hard to create a compelling logline for this genre. I wrote a few loglines, but this one ironically impossible.

                  Mentor Answered on May 30, 2015.
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                    Thanks for the clarification on some points.

                    But I’m still unclear as tp what the story is about: the struggle to overcome his insecurity AFTER he decides (end of Act 1) to go solo. OR: deciding whether or not to go solo — finally makes up his mind by Act 3.

                    Singularity Answered on May 30, 2015.
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                      Performing with his brother a street performer is given a chance at the big time by a producer, but only if he dumps his brother.

                      Singularity Answered on May 31, 2015.
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