After accepting the reality of being raped by a woman, a reformed demigod assassin tries to deal with his depression by getting back into the business of hunting people who bear the Chimera Mark.

Summitry Posted on April 25, 2016 in Fantasy.
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9 Review(s)

“Accepting the reality of being raped by a woman” translates into “recovering from being raped by a woman”.  That  could be a great inciting incident for a story.  But I  have no idea how it works as the inciting incident for this story.

What is a reformed “demigod”?   What does that mean? How is it possible for a demigod, male or female, be a rape victim?  Doesn’t the demigod status give them special powers or strength to prevail against any would-be rapist?

And what is the “Chimera Mark”? Okay, I can google and find out — but I shouldn’t have to.  A logline has to be self-explanatory.  And it should raise curiosity — not questions and puzzlement as it does does in my mind.   (Others’ mileage may vary.)

Singularity Answered on April 25, 2016.

Sorry, he’s a reformed assassin. He is a demigod, but he stopped being an assassin.  He was drunk, so he was weakened and could not fend off his rapist. And imagine if he had tried to fight off a woman. She could take him to courting saying that he raped her. Using the possibly injuries he inflicted on her as proof. By “accepting the reality of being raped by a woman” I mean that he actually admits that it was rape. A lot of male rape survivors don’t even realize that they’ve been raped, because men are “supposed” to want sex.
His depression resulting from his rape drives him to start killing people again.
I think the Chimera Mark part might just require me to include more of the plot, because it is a mystery to even the characters of the story. 

on April 25, 2016.
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After accepting the reality of being raped by a woman, a reformed  assassin who is a demigod tries to deal with his depression by becoming an assassin once again, which starts him on the path of learning what the mysterious Chimera Mark is.

Summitry Answered on April 25, 2016.
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Your definition of a demigod is put in doubt when he can’t just “poof” disappear out of this world and “poof” appear in another world while at the same time he fixes his depression. As a demigod his powers should be able to over come what are very human/mortal problems.

In addition your description of the inciting incident is vague, what motivated him to start his journey? Was it the rape? Or was it his acceptance of the rape? Or was it the subsequent depression?
If male rape is the angle you want to pursue, then perhaps define the starting point of the story as the rape – After a demigod is raped he must…

Lastly I don’t see how being raped would then cause a person/demigod to want to kill people and learn what a particular mark means, in other words I don’t see the cause and effect relationship between your inciting incident and goals.

Singularity Answered on April 25, 2016.

I’m not sure what you mean by most of your first paragraph. The logline never says that he just disappears out of this world. However, one thing is that his power is never explained, it is only said that he is a demigod, and it could be quite simple for him to be put into a position that a woman could overpower him. One situation is that she herself has powers, which is not how she forces him to have sex with but is a possibility. In my previous comment I said that the MC is drunk and he is also on drugs, which makes him kind of loopy and not able to do anything. And also there is the problem of what it would look like if he had fought her.
Hmm, I suppose the problem is that the revision seems to pose two inciting incidents, his rape causes him to become an assassin again, and then that leads him to discovering what the Chimera Mark is.

on April 25, 2016.
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I think maybe I should drop the assassin angle and focus on the Chimera Mark. 
Revision #2
After being raped, a depressed demigod continues his search for the meaning of the mysterious mark that appeared on his body two years ago. 

Summitry Answered on April 25, 2016.
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I like the story except for the chimera mark part, it doesn’t mean anything (not even to the characters!) so you should skip. You can talk of a generic “mark” on his body but be sure to connect it to the rest of the story (the rape, depression, and the killing).

Rock on.

Mentor Answered on April 26, 2016.
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So now the protagonist’s objective goal is to find out the meaning of the mark that has appeared on his own body?  What’s at stake?  What’s the upside if he can figure the meaning of the mysterious mark on his own body?  What’s the downside if he can’t?

 And who is his mortal enemy, his nemesis?

The protagonist seems to be an anti-hero.  Is the audience supposed to root for him or just be fascinated–but hope he is ultimately defeated?

Singularity Answered on April 26, 2016.
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It’s a very complicated story(it’s actually a novel but I figured a logline would help me). Because I’m trying to keep it simple I’ve left out some important things about the world. Chimeras are people who started developing powers about ten years ago(including demigods and mutants), and then two years ago all chimeras developed a mark on their body that would identify them as a chimera. Due some actions done by a few chimeras, the world now sees them all as terrorists, and lynchings and racial profling and a whole lot stuff goes on.
So there are a few elements I could include in the logline:
The rape(His trying to deal with it is the actual inciting incident of the story)
The backstory. (Anti-chimera populace)
Assassin(He turns back to his old profession, but it isn’t a very big part of the story and is quickly dropped, though his penchant for killing stays throughout the novel)
There is no person that is an antagonist until later, but he faces man vs society, and man vs self conflict until an antagonist arises.
Goal(To learn about the mark and also why chimeras only started appearing ten years ago.)
So, to keep it short I could cut out the rape, which I’m hesitant to do since it is an inciting incident and a very defining and intriguing part of his character , and then focus on the backstory.
Or perhaps I could try to think of another goal to focus on.
For the 3rd revision I’m going to try focusing on the depression. (I hadn’t planned this part but it is a part of depression so it fits to add it.)

Revision #3
After being raped, a suicidal demigod tries to find new meaning in his life to deal with his depression.

Summitry Answered on April 26, 2016.
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The concept in this logline is composed of too many unrelated events, odd descriptions and vague plot elements, for example;
Being raped doesn’t necessarily, in most people’s minds, make the victim want to become an assassin or become one again.
According to what most people think a demigod is, it is hard to conceive of one being raped and made a victim.
Finding new meaning is not a visual, objective and outer goal for a main character, it could be an inner goal but a logline needs to focus on the outer journey that drives the plot i.e the outer goal.

In short I think this concept has many logic flaws, and to make sense of the story it require too much explaining for a logline. Your explanations above essentially call for the reader to stretch their imagination to make up for what the logline can’t deliver on, this is not recommended and usually indicative of a flawed concept.

Even if the logline is for a book, the core plot should still be able to fit with in the paradigm of a logline – a story is a story regardless the medium after all.

Singularity Answered on April 27, 2016.
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I think the story’s goal and theme are revenge and justice. Who and how can be plugged in to support the goal and theme.

A mythological assassin strikes back to right the wrongs of rape and injustice…

This tells me he’s a demigod and he’s got some good reasons to pick up his assassin skills again. But it’s still not enough info. Maybe what’s missing is who is responsible for the injustice. You said a woman and a chimera mark. Is it an all women warrior civilization?

Penpusher Answered on April 28, 2016.

No, it’s urban fantasy.

on April 28, 2016.
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