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ShylaLogliner
Posted: August 31, 20172017-08-31T13:26:28+10:00 2017-08-31T13:26:28+10:00In: Family

After attempting to escape the mob Sal Mano?s boss puts a bounty on his head. His daughter Bell must find a way to retrieve her family fortune in order to save her father?s life.

After attempting to escape the mob Sal Mano?s boss puts a bounty on his head. His daughter Bell must find a way to retrieve her family fortune in order to save her father?s life.
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    1. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2017-08-31T22:26:07+10:00Added an answer on August 31, 2017 at 10:26 pm

      First thing is, no names are needed in a logline unless it’s a pre existing franchise or a historical figure. Second, you can cut the first part and replace it with a shorter description of the threat to her father’s life – the inciting incident. The last thing, you specify that she must find a way to retrieve the fortune, but wouldn’t it be more accurate to write that she must retrieve it. It’s only logical that once she figures out how to get it she’ll go and get it, therefore, the bulk of her action will be fortune retrieval.

      Here is a quick re write of your logline:

      After a mob boss abducts her father, a high school computer geek must find her lost ancestral fortune in an ancient Mayan city to pay the ransom.

      May not be your story, but I’ve removed the excess fat and added in a few details.

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    2. Solace1016 Logliner
      2017-10-16T07:58:09+10:00Added an answer on October 16, 2017 at 7:58 am

      Agree with Nir Shelter, particularly giving the female protagonist an age range. You listed this logline as family, but it could also read like drama (Taken in reverse, Hanna, Paper Moon.) If family, consider including unique details to differentiate Bell and her story goal from other films. (e.g. Spy Kids, Mulan, Trouble with the Curve, etc.)

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