KnightriderMentor Posted: May 28, 20202020-05-28T20:43:02+10:00 2020-05-28T20:43:02+10:00In: ComedyAfter being dumped by his girlfriend for the bad boy, a nice guy wishes everyone was nice and wakes up in a world where everyone is, but discovers a nice world isn?t so niceHave a nice day ShareFacebook2 ReviewsVotedOldestRecentMike Pedley United Kingdom (UK) 66 Loglines 618 Reviews 99 Best Reviews 50,952 Points View Profile Mike Pedley Singularity 2020-05-28T22:34:45+10:00Added an answer on May 28, 2020 at 10:34 pm So what’s his goal? To change it back? Win his girlfriend back? I really like the concept. Fun and Games section will be great. We just need to understand what he’s trying to achieve?I like ending the logline on this kinda “…” open-ended thing. In my opinion, the hook should be placed for maximum impact. More often than not, that’s the start or the end. So I would advise keeping the “nice world isn’t so nice” but figure out a way to add his goal in after this discovery.Great title too!0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppmrliteral 0 Loglines 141 Reviews 10 Best Reviews 2,610 Points View Profile mrliteral Samurai 2020-05-30T02:53:04+10:00Added an answer on May 30, 2020 at 2:53 am There’s two commas in here and no period at the end. The word “nice” is used four times and I have no idea what’s going on the story because of the structure of the logline. Is this how the script is structured? It starts AFTER an inciting incident? Think about the manner and order in which you’re presenting information to your readers. You want it clear, simple, straightforward. If I have to read your logline two or more times just to figure out what the story is, the logline doesn’t work. It should be one single sentence that moves everything forward without slowing down. Pronoun clarity goes a long way toward making this work, and when you keep going back and forth between various characters without a more straightforward structure, it’s hard to know who’s who and who’s doing what or why.So what’s the issue with the nice world? This is the hook of your story and you’ve left it blank. It’s an intriguing concept you’ve failed to mention. What WOULD happen if everyone in the world was nice? We need some idea of the second act or we don’t get enough of your story.0 Share ShareShare on FacebookShare on TwitterShare on LinkedInShare on WhatsAppYou must login to can add an answer. Username or email* Password* Remember Me! Forgot Password?