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HallucigeniaPenpusher
Posted: September 6, 20222022-09-06T22:40:39+10:00 2022-09-06T22:40:39+10:00In: SciFi

After decades of interplanetary warfare, a wealthy inventor leads a team of intrepid adventurers in perfecting a faster-than-light drive to safely scatter humanity among the stars, but greedy corporations and corrupt governments plot to take the technology and steal the future of the human race.

I’m tuning a pitch and need this to be razor sharp. This is for a series. An alternate version (four more words) is:

After decades of interplanetary war, a wealthy inventor leads a team of top scientists and intrepid adventurers in perfecting a faster-than-light drive to safely scatter humanity among the stars, but greedy corporations and corrupt governments plot to take the technology and steal away the future of the human race.

Thanks in advance.

EDIT: Paring this down even further:

After decades of interplanetary war, a wealthy inventor leads a team of top scientists and intrepid adventurers through a gauntlet of greedy corporations and corrupt governments to perfect the first faster-than-light drive and lead humanity to the stars.

EDIT EDIT: We can get leaner:

Under the specter of interplanetary war, a wealthy inventor leads a team of top scientists and intrepid adventurers against greedy corporations and corrupt governments to perfect the first faster-than-light drive and take humanity to the stars.

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    1. OKBoomer Penpusher
      2022-10-07T12:38:01+10:00Added an answer on October 7, 2022 at 12:38 pm

      I get the premise, however I’m not clear on what the main action will be for this story. Are the wealthy inventor’s top scientists working in a secret lab trying to keep the details of their progress from prying eyes? Are they racing rivals to complete the drive so they can make it affordable for everyone?

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