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CraigDGriffithsUberwriter
Posted: May 12, 20192019-05-12T11:34:53+10:00 2019-05-12T11:34:53+10:00In: Noir

After discovering his travelling companion has a bag of cash a man starts a conversation hoping to blackmail him. When that fails he threatens violence that escalates into murder.

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    8 Reviews

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    1. Richiev Singularity
      2019-05-12T15:48:22+10:00Added an answer on May 12, 2019 at 3:48 pm

      Who is the lead character, the man with the cash or the blackmailer? (And if it’s the blackmailer, why do we want him to succeed?)

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    2. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2019-05-12T17:06:42+10:00Added an answer on May 12, 2019 at 5:06 pm

      Richiev traditionally the main character is the person with most screen time. But with only two characters on a deserted road, they?ll both be in all shots, so two main characters.

      The idea is that both characters have reasons to hate them and reasons to like them. The audience is challenged to make a decision. ?People can handle complex films. Every time one is a success people are amazed and then go back to boring formula.

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    3. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2019-05-12T19:56:35+10:00Added an answer on May 12, 2019 at 7:56 pm

      Sounds like the audience will naturally gravitate towards the person carrying the cash. What does he want to achieve?

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    4. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2019-05-12T20:15:54+10:00Added an answer on May 12, 2019 at 8:15 pm

      He wants to do his job as well as stop his offsides from telling people his secret. The conflict comes from discovery during the story.

      He is a different person than the person he was when he did the bad thing in his past. So he wants to keep that in his past.

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    5. Robb Ross Samurai
      2019-05-14T00:23:19+10:00Added an answer on May 14, 2019 at 12:23 am

      Describe the men. Add the details from the discussion.

      If the blackmailer is angry about the past, why doesn’t he start with murder? How exactly does he blackmail the other?

      >> both characters have reasons to hate them and reasons to like them.

      This should be apparent in the logline.

      What’s the purpose of this being 1980?

      Something like, “After their car breaks down on the way to delivering a bag of cash to their union bosses, two family men- one…”

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    6. Robb Ross Samurai
      2019-05-14T05:45:25+10:00Added an answer on May 14, 2019 at 5:45 am

      What is the status of this idea, in development or completed script? Different comments for each and I personally like to give my time to those being developed.

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    7. Robb Ross Samurai
      2019-05-16T01:22:40+10:00Added an answer on May 16, 2019 at 1:22 am

      Next logline attempt, try for more of an A Story than the two talking. Or add details to help us imagine lengthy dialogues because even the responses make it seem like they only have one thing to talk about. It seems better if the car does not break down early on…a road trip (doesn’t have to be far) with obstacles, opportunities, and variety along the way.

      What are they waiting for? I thought they’re talking and walking along the way? How can they be so far from help? If you don’t do this yourself, consider setting it in today’s world and figure out another solution to the help part. Even for yourself, are the extra challenges worth it? Would 1980 help or hurt the marketing of a movie that lacks a substantial reason for being set in 1980?

      As for helping, I said that because of experience where most writers working on a logline for marketing- after the script is complete- are much less able to see room for improving the story. Plus, with all the loglines here and free time being limited…

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    8. CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter
      2019-05-17T14:18:02+10:00Added an answer on May 17, 2019 at 2:18 pm

      Believing a past unfair prison conviction ruined his life, a man blackmails his travelling companion that got away with murder as a youth. As their battle of wits unfold, his resolve is challenged and his violent nature is uncovered.

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