After getting an unusual feedback in his survey, an editor in chief gets involved with the underground network of renegade AI
You are missing two of the biggest elements of a logline
1: Goal— you haven’t given your lead character a goal
2: Conflict— Story is conflict, once your lead character has a goal, something needs to stand in way of that goal. Since you haven’t given us a goal, naturally you are also lacking conflict.
What is the goal of the lead character, what is standing in his or her way?
Adding those two elements will greatly improve your logline.
As Richiev said. And the inciting incident seems rather weak, vague. What is so unusual about “unusual” that upends his status quo and motivates him to pursue his objective goal?
And what’s at stake? What does the protagonist stand to gain is he succeeds, or lose if he fails?
Agreed, this is missing a lot. “Early AI era” isn’t something the average viewer will relate to. Maybe in a few decades, who knows. AI is a topic that’s been beaten to death for a while now. What’s new to add? If you created some sort of underground element, that should be the focus. But what’s the goal?
Agreed with all the above notes.
A few more little things worth thinking about are the descriptions “…in his survey…” and “…gets involved…”.
It’s not clear what survey you’re referring to and how or why it is so important to the main character. I thought an editor in chief of a newspaper (digital or print) would pick reporters and edit stories so it’s not clear why he or she care so much about some survey.
Secondly, as ‘getting involved’ could mean any number of things, the logline doesn’t explain what he or she will do in the story – best to be clear and specific when describing the main action in a logline.