After he’s fired for accidentally killing a noble hero, and thus taking away honor from his evil warlord boss, a disgraced henchman is forced to become the champion of a local village in order to overthrow the tyranny of his former master.”
Really like the sound of this. The only things I’d say from a logline perspective is that it’s a little long but I fully appreciate the need for all that info in the inciting incident.
From a story perspective, why is he “forced” to do something? Protagonist – proactive and all that. Can he not voluntarily take up the mantle because he wants to show his former boss that he’s more than just a henchman? Externally he wants revenge, internally he just discovers that he just wants to be a good guy.
I think Adam makes a valid point. It might be worth clarifying a setting – in my head it’s a fantasy version of the Middle Ages – knights, damsels in distress, dragons, magic. Kinda Shrekian I guess haha.
Some interesting elements, but it does make me scratch my head. You’ve unintentionally, I think, made the bad guy the good guy, and the good guy the bad guy. The “evil warlord” fired his henchman on justifiable grounds, making him the good guy here, so overthrowing him for his “tyranny” (which is not evident) just makes the henchman a disgruntled employee out for revenge. It doesn’t make him a “champion” for some poor village.
As your logline stands, I’m rooting for the evil warlord, which means the logline is really from the antagonist’s POV…which is confusing.
I like the premise that an accidental villain must become an intentional hero. But:
>>When the town discovers he is the one who killed their hero, they tell him.
Isn’t that the inciting incident, the “Call to Heroic Action”? Isn’t the accident a setup for the inciting incident?
There’s confusion in the premise, leading to unsure expectations for the audience. It seems like an evil warlord wouldn’t care if his henchman kills a noble hero–that’s why he’s evil, right?
Then there’s the passivity of the protagonist. He’s forced to do something based on something else, rather than his own internal decision.