After his pregnant wife’s cancer medication gets pulled from the public health system, a hot-headed Aboriginal amateur boxer must steal enough to keep her alive until the birth.

    Singularity Posted on July 21, 2016 in Drama.
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    8 Review(s)

      I have a couple questions. Does him being a boxer have anything to d with the story because it doesn’t feel like it would so him being “hot-headed” would be enough I think. Cut it and keep it more concise.
      Secondly, why is the medication pulled? Why can’t he just ring them up and tell them that there has been a mistake? This all seems like a good enough idea but could use some fine tuning.

      Mentor Answered on July 21, 2016.
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        My take:
        When his pregnant wife’s cancer medication is no longer free, a desperate Aboriginal resorts to theft and robbery to afford the life-saving medicine.
        (23 words)

        I presume the soaring cost of meds is as much a hot-button issue in Australia as it is in the United States. (Land of nothing’s free and if you can’t afford it, it’s your own damn fault and you deserve to die.)

        Singularity Answered on July 23, 2016.
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          My view of indicating a character flaw in a logline is that it should be related to the objective goal such that it creates anxiety and uncertainty as to whether he will achieve the goal.  If being hot-headed increases the risk of his getting caught stealing the drug, okay.

          I also thought of inserting the word “indigent” to indicate he’s not just poor, he’s broke.

          I was thinking it would be easier to steal the money to buy the drug than to steal the drug.  But if you’ve figured out how he could steal it from a pharmacy, again and again, okay.

          Maybe something like:
          When his pregnant wife’s cancer medication is no longer free, an indigent, hot-headed Aboriginal resorts to stealing the drug to keep her alive long enough to deliver their baby.
          (29 words)

          Singularity Answered on July 24, 2016.

          That’s great.

          Good thinking with the indigent description.
          As always, very helpful.

          on July 24, 2016.
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            This is a logline for a short film.

            Thanks for your comments.

            Singularity Answered on July 21, 2016.
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              Hi moses99.

              Thanks for that.

              Him being a boxer is not directly connected to the plot, it only adds a complication for him in act 3. Perhaps best if I cut that part of his description, however as an added aspect to his character do you feel it works?

              I should also mention that the story is set in 1972, a time rife with discrimination and insensitive policies. In Australia there is a public medical system which provides a certain number of medications to the public for free. Many people rely on the medication in this system, but if a medication is pulled off the free list it will cost people full price. Since he is an amateur boxer with very little money, he can’t afford to pay for it and resorts to theft.

              How about:
              After his pregnant wife’s cancer medication gets pulled from the public health system and is no longer free, a hot-headed Aboriginal must steal enough to keep her alive until the birth.

              Singularity Answered on July 21, 2016.

              What’s wrong with:

              After his pregnant wife’s cancer medication is no longer free an enraged Aboriginal must steal enough to keep her alive until birth.

              Is it really necessary to include ..gets puled…

              I think its safe to assume  that circumstances dictated for whatever reason it wasn’t available to him. I’m sure he explored all avenues to procure it being how high the stakes are. Short and sweet.

              Man vrs Society.  Conflict and the antagonistic force.

              Could even use apoplectic instead of enraged or hot-headed. He’s really pissed.

              on February 16, 2018.
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                Ah yes as being Australian myself I am aware of what you are talking about. I think you have an idea here worth exploring but as a story it could use a little work in my opinion. First of all, is he an underground boxer (like Snatch) or a pro? And as it might add a short film there is a lot goi on so I don’t know how much that plays into it.

                Also, while he may be sympathetic as his family is discriminated against him stealing the medication will have to be something you still might not want to make his first option, but a last resort. Keeping her alive only until birth is a touchy subject also, are ey both aware she might not live after the baby is born? If he can’t afford the medicine how will he raise the child? This is good, but definitely needs some work.

                Mentor Answered on July 22, 2016.

                Hi mate…

                He is not a pro boxer, but he is given the opportunity to become pro in the opening sequence. After that he applies for a personal loan but is rejected by bank after bank.
                Both him and his wife are aware of the reality of their situation before the story begins and have come to accept that she won’t live for very much longer, but they can still save their child. Therefore when the medication gets pulled it’s devastating for them, and he decides to get the medication from the black market . However his plan fails and he’s forced, through circumstance, to resort to theft.

                The welfare system does support single parents and he will be able to raise a child on a minimum wage, this is not a concern as it is perfectly plausible and occurs after the story ends.

                Are these pieces of information detracting from the story in the logline?

                Or do the story and dramatic premise work on their own account?

                on July 22, 2016.

                You have a really great story there but all of that information would be hard to get into a logline so I suggest selling it with a simple through-line and hook. For example: After his pregnant wife’s cancer medication is no longer free and out of options, a hot-headed Aboriginal must steal enough to keep her alive until the birth. or something along those lines. I think it might be a good idea to include the fact that there is discrimination in there somewhere, so just try to experiment until you have it, you’re close.

                on July 22, 2016.

                Good suggestion thanks.

                on July 23, 2016.
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                  Hi DPG, thanks for that, good version.

                  The MC actually steals medication not money, and I think my logline doesn’t reflect this, so how about:
                  After his pregnant wife’s cancer medication is no longer free, a desperate hot-headed Aboriginal resorts to steal enough of the life saving medicine.

                  I left the hot-head description as it’s his character flaw.
                  Do you think that keeping her alive  until the birth should mentioned in the logline or is it unnecessary?

                  And yes the cost of medication is a problem but not nearly as bad as in the US. The secondary theme the story deals with is the unfortunate reality that even in 2016 the average life span of an Aboriginal Australian is more than a decade less than a none Aboriginal Australian, even more so in the 70s.

                  Singularity Answered on July 24, 2016.
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                    do you need hot-headed and aboriginal?  it reads very overly descriptive when the central drive is nice and clear.  This is an interesting concept to me if it was said more plainly.  Hero has a good call to action and big stakes.

                    Logliner Answered on April 5, 2018.

                    of just an Aboriginal boxer as his description.  axe the rest of it.

                    When his pregnant wife’s cancer medication gets too expensive, an Aboriginal boxer must steal it to keep her alive long enough to give birth.

                    on April 5, 2018.
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