After his terminally ill and clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives her self, a depressed man must find a way to free himself of his life long commitment.
Neer ShelterSingularity
After his terminally ill and clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives her self, a depressed man must find a way to free himself of his life long commitment.
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Neer Shelter
This is a logline for a short black-comedy film.
Erica
Well I have to admit, I chuckled when I read it.
CraigDGriffiths
I’d like to know what he does, or what he thinks he needs to do. Free himself, I can’t see his level of sanity or competence.
Fake his own death, kill his wife, your logline is like a great joke setup, I want the punchline.
Neer Shelter
Good point Craig, not sure how to mention it in the logline without giving away the ending.
After she comes back they rush her to the hospital and the doctors tell him it’s impossible to know how long she has, it could be either another year or a decade. He calls his daughter, tells her he loves her and with a huge smile on his face jumps off the roof of the hospital – he’s finally free, albeit for 3.5 seconds but truly free.
Here is a?revision:
After his terminally ill and clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives her self, a depressed man jumps of the roof of a very tall hospital to be free for the rest of his life.
Dkpough1
“After his terminally ill and clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives her self, a depressed man jumps of the roof of a very tall hospital to be free for the rest of his life.”
I think in this case it might be fine to leave the way the original had it.
The one thing I notice is why do you say both “terminally ill and clinically dead”? If she’s declared dead, does it matter that she’s ill? Even if she is still ill, the story isn’t about her sickness, it’s about her husband trying to break free of her.
Example:?After his clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives herself, a depressed man must find a way to free himself of his life long commitment.?(~26 words)
or
After his clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives herself, a depressed man jumps off a hospital’s roof to finally be free of her.?(~25 words)
Neer Shelter
Thanks Dkpough1.
Good point.
dpg
Does “his life long commitment” = he’s married to her. ?And if so, why not just say so?
Neer Shelter
Yes it does mean married, good note.
Guess I wanted to imply that he won’t renege on his vow, regardless the option of divorce.
How about this revision:
After his clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives her self, a depressed man jumps of the roof of a tall hospital to live the rest of his life free.
dpg
Well…
After his clinically brain dead bitch of a wife miraculously comes out of her coma, the hen-pecked husband jumps off the roof of the hospital.
(25 words)
Except it gives away the ending… unless you’ve got a twist ending in mind.
Dkpough1
After his clinically dead bitch of a wife miraculously revives herself, the?henpecked?husband jumps off the roof of the hospital.?(~21 words)
I do suggest you add some sort of twist. Maybe at the end he lives, his goal failed, and then his wife chews his ear off while he’s lying in the hospital bed?
I like henpecked, but dpg I believe he intends for her actually be considered dead, not just in a coma.
Neer Shelter
Great suggestions guys, thanks for the help.
moses997
Why can’t he just divorce her? I get that he is depressed and unhappy but is he a massive pushover as well? Seems like a pretty thin concept but also a lot of comedy opportunities so make your genre clear as this reads like a thriller.
Judah Ray
After his terminally ill(,) and clinically dead bitch of a wife(,) miraculously revives (herself), a depressed man must find a way to (break) free of his life long commitment.
Marked typos, and a recommendation, with (), otherwise sounds fantastic.