After mystical criminals break a powerful witch out of prison, a wizard a part of a magic police force must lead her first mission to catch them.

Summitry Posted on June 18, 2017 in Fantasy.

27 words. No title yet. (I’m pretty terrible with coming up with titles.)

This story is in the same universe as my previous logline. It follows that Hero’s Journey thing dpg keeps talking about. This story isn’t as developed as the other one so a lot could still change. The protagonist hasn’t completed her training and still an amateur, and the witch and her associates are very experienced. The protagonist leads a team of highly trained but human soldiers.

on June 18, 2017.

Version 2: After her teacher is kidnapped on a mission, a wizard apprentice must use her skills to find the mystical criminals who took him. (23 words)

on June 18, 2017.

Version 3: After the witch who sacrificed her childhood friend for a ritual breaks out of prison, a wizard apprentice must go rogue to bring her to justice.  (26 words)

Still working on the concept but this is what I’ve come up with after thinking about it some more. 

on June 20, 2017.
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5 Review(s)

My first gut(less) reaction:  I can’t (yet) get excited by (aka: hooked on) the plot.

But a female wizard  bringing mystically bad guys to justice — that appeals, that hooks my interest.  Do you see franchise potential in your character?  (If so, the plot would have to be her origin story.)  Or do envision this as a one-off?

fwiw

Singularity Answered on June 18, 2017.

Well, the plot is a female wizard bringing mystical criminals to justice. So what is it specifically that you’re referring to that’s giving you pause?

on June 18, 2017.
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The logline doesn’t read well on account of the wording and punctuation, here is what I understand:

The MC is a wizard policewoman who is put in charge of catching a runaway witch prisoner.

Magic aside, this is about a cop catching a criminal. I don’t see a ‘hook’ in the concept seeing as it’s another day on the job for the cop. Once the initial impression from the visual effects spectacle wears off on the audience, the story alone needs to have more than just a cop chasing bad guy element.
Could the witch be related to the wizard cop? Could the Witch threaten to hurt the cop’s family?

The combination of supernatural and police procedural is good, however, I believe you can (and should) make the story work on more than one level.

Singularity Answered on June 18, 2017.

I’ve been thinking about the concept more since my second version revision and maybe I should have her having to go rogue, and in turn be the one who is hunted.

on June 19, 2017.

That would help greatly.

on June 19, 2017.
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“Mystical” strikes me as kind of, well, “misty” — vague.  The term can cover a broad range of super-sized skills and powers.  

Given that there is a glut of super-sized characters in films of this genre, what makes this crew stand out?  Is  there one super-sized skill or power in particular that unique defines the culprit, hence the nature of the threat, the challenge the protagonist faces?

What’s at stake if the protagonist fails to capture them.  Not just in terms of her own career:  surely, the bad gal and guys are not just going to lie low, sips mai tai’s while watching the sun set on a Caribbean beach.

What is the witch’s own nefarious objective goal that the protagonist must thwart?

Singularity Answered on June 19, 2017.
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They are not all the same type of supernatural. They’re not all witches, or whatever. There’s a group of about five, and one’s a warlock(the brother to the witch), one a telekinetic, and some others.
The witch and warlock are pawns in someone else’s game, the people behind the scenes are alluded to, acknowledged, but they don’t come into focus at all. The witch and warlock have their own goal.
Still working on it though. I don’t think I’m quite satisfied.

Summitry Answered on June 21, 2017.
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You should make it personal

“When the witch who killed her family escapes from prison, a determined mage-hunter comes out of retirement to take down the bitch.” (I know ‘bitch’ probably doesn’t work)

Singularity Answered on June 21, 2017.
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