After mythology’s most vicious monsters and history’s most heinous criminals escape from hell, a neurotic college-sophomore finds herself imbued with the power to send these evildoers back from whence they came.


    Penpusher Posted on April 8, 2020 in Fantasy.
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      Hi JBalmer,

      I like your premise – this kind of thing is right up my street, definitely something I’d watch as a TV show or a film.  My initial thoughts are:

      • I feel like you have 2 inciting incidents?  1) the evildoers escaping, 2) the sophomore being imbues with power…
      • Did anyone else come out of hell?  What about the lesser evildoers?   I think you’re using a lot of word count when you could lump the monsters and criminals together with one description.
      • Feels a bit like a neurotic Buffy?  What makes this so different – is it a ‘Willow’ spin-off?
      • It reads as though you’ve summed up what happens – the sophomore has the power to send them back… so where are the stakes?
      • ‘Finds herself imbued with the power’ – this is very vague… is she a chosen one?
      • ‘College-sophomore’… this means nothing to me in the UK – are there different types of sophomore or can you drop the college tag?
      • Consider rephrasing it focussing on one inciting incident and outlining or implying what’s at stake…
      • A rough shot… A neurotic sophomore must fulfil her destiny to save the world when hell unleashes its most heinous monsters to overthrow humanity.


      Mentor Answered on April 8, 2020.

      You’ve been incredibly helpful.


      • The evildoers escaping is the inciting incident for sure because it triggers her powers.
      • Yes! The lesser evildoers escape too. It’s a mix between the monsters in hades, the people Dante encountered in hell, and demons from Christianity.
      • She’s the chosen one in the sense that she inherits her powers from her now-deceased mother.
      • I thought college sophomore would help to establish her age and her everyday life.

      Thank you so much again. I really going to tinker with this!

      on April 12, 2020.

      You’re very welcome 😉

      As dpg pointed out, I’d rethink the number of evildoers – you will still have them in the script, but the logline will focus on the main/alpha/boss character – Satan?

      I think you now have three inciting incidents in mind… and you have the sophomore inheriting her powers from two incidents – 1) her mother’s death, and 2) the evildoers escaping.   You need to focus on one clear incident that kicks your story into motion.  As you’ve mentioned her mother’s death, I’d say that is your inciting incident as without it, she would never have inherited her powers.  You may not need to mention the mother in the logline, but you do need to know exactly what the catalyst is for your story.

      As Nir pointed out, you may want to focus on the main thing the sophomore does/her main objective during the show.  I think Buffy’s was to kill The Master vampire in season one?  Something like that.

      Keep us posted 😉

      on April 14, 2020.
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        TV show?

        Singularity Answered on April 8, 2020.


        on April 12, 2020.
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          What does she do about it?

          In a logline, it’s always best to describe what a character does rather than what they’re capable of.

          Singularity Answered on April 9, 2020.
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            Too many villains.

            Less is more.

            Focus  on one alpha-bad dude or dame.

            Singularity Answered on April 10, 2020.

            Thanks for the tip! That was the part that I was hung up on the most.

            on April 12, 2020.
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