After overlooking abuse witnessed years ago, a reserved transfer student contemplates whether he should of when the same abusive individual is his crushes boyfriend, he tries to save her.
I think maybe the protagonist was complicit with the violence by keeping quiet as opposed to maybe blamed for it – blamed for not stopping it. I’m also not sure of the ages. Transfer student indicates to my high school?? Uni? Is it significant that he’s a transfer student.?
I think mikep has a point – is the goal to save his crush or is it to find redemption for what he did before by stopping it happening it again. There is no conflict here as both result in him helping the girl. It would be good if the goal may require him to give up the girl – therefore, he can seek redemption /rid of guilt or he can save the girl (who doesn’t yet need saving) but lose her at the same time.
Just a suggestion, but I always like a dilemma – at the moment, what would it cost him to reveal the abuser? Maybe his own complicit part of silence? IS he liable in any other way that might mean he can be charged? Therefore, revealing the abuser puts him in trouble but not revealing her puts her in trouble. Now we have a dilemma where he will try and get both but that contravene each other. Just a thought. 🙂
The fact that he overlooked the abuse years ago is somewhat irrelevant to the logline (note – the fact that this boyfriend is a known abuser is still relevant though) although I very much understand that this is important to understanding the character’s motivation. I think the whole “student contemplates whether he should have” is also a little unnecessary. Imagine what watching somebody contemplating something looks like… all the action happens inside the character’s head right? Not very interesting to an audience. This is all painting a picture of a character but could you find a better way to condense it perhaps? Call him a “guilt ridden transfer student” or something?
Inciting incident – currently there isn’t really one other than the start of this relationship between the crush and the abuser. This might be enough though but needs to be worded better – “When his crush starts dating an abuser from his past…” or something. By saying “from his past” or similar you can hint at the backstory without spending a lot of words spelling it out.
Goal – To save her. How? Is it his place to save her? Considering she hasn’t actually been abused yet (as far as the logline goes at least) is it morally acceptable for him to get involved? If he’s actually witnessed the abuse then that’s a little different but even then, isn’t it her choice? There is a lot of conflict in a subject like this for sure. In logline terms “he tries to save her” could mean so many things and could sustain a 90 minute film or take a few minutes. I’d recommend working on the goal so it can be more clearly visualised in the reader’s head.
Hope this helps.