After years of watching from the wings, a determined young artist sets out to make her place on the world’s stage..
I wouldn’t completely abandon your last logline, It was catchy, Instead, I would just add a couple of things to it.
The main thing your first logline was missing is what set the story in motion. Why does she come off the wall now, what happens?
Here is an example of an event that sets her course in motion, obviously yours would be different this is just an example:
“When everyone forgets her birthday, a wallflower comes off the wall, and vows to make the world her stage”
Second, you were missing a specific goal, what does, “Make the world her stage” look like on screen? Is it dating the ‘hot’ guy? Is it letting it all out and telling everyone the brutal truth? How does she make the word her stage?
In other words, what is her specific goal?
Richiev’s feedback is spot on. The word “wallflower” is great because it instantly encompasses pretty much everything you need to know about her.
There needs to be one specific incident that kick starts this story and that needs to set up a specific visual goal.
Have a strong inciting incident with some stakes, but don’t drop the “wallflower” trait.
How does our protagonist make the world her stage? Does she meet anybody of significance that helps her along the journey?
What are her views on fame and fortune? How does she deal with all the initial attention?
Something like this can work as a story if there is a lot at stake and with an interesting journey.
I agree with the others! Keep the word “wallflower.” While I understand the idea of keeping some of the plot under-wraps to keep a sense of surprise, you still need to include the catalyst/inciting incident. Why now? Why do they want to make their mark on the world stage now? What happened to cause them to want to make their mark? That may suffice.